back to blogging

i am laying out on the lawn in he backyard, all three cats in view. sailer and xena/wena are both interested in the same bird activity (thus luckily not noticing each other) and rupert is, well, he's not properly making use of our vegetable beds. I actually feel a bit relaxed, which is quite the statement for me to make. i have a few typical worries running through my head, but only the ones i can never get rid of. It just feels nice for once to  be able to just be. 

my life lately - i have just been wishing i could take a vacation from life for a while! that is not possible though, so i have just been trudging on, barely it seems. i dont like how anything is right now and most of it is out of my control, which i don't know how to handle well. there is one way to make it in my control and that would be to quit my job. yet im not sure how to assert myself and have that happen. and believe me, the scenario has been running through my head. i used my therapy session on that this morning (not on purpose, i just said something about it and we went with it) so i dont want to go back into details about that now. 

for this moment, it feels nice to have an actual bit of summer. i really miss those days, that relief of the summer months with no stress or worry of school and no deadlines to meet. i do not enjoy any bit of my adult life i have taken on. its really hard to just take a breath and force myself on most of the time, but that is all i can do for now.  

on my mind

today has had a bit of roughness in it.  i have used five negative coping strategies today. Five - how interesting, let me explain. I have OCD and one of my "things" is numbers, and in that is the absolute forbidableness of 5. I cannot do things in fives, no groupd of five, no numbers adding up to five - anthing to do with five is an endall. Why the hang up on five, I'm not sure. Treatment for OCD hasn't gone much further than medicating me and making the obsessions a little more managable, which is understandable when I had other pressing problems threatening my life. 

Well, there was a spot of good today, before I go more into my inner workings. I met with my bestie and one of the kids she watches (a six year old girl) to see Up in 3D! This movie was so so great, I thoroughly enjoyed it. And this new 3D they're got going is superb, this was my third movie of the type (the second being Monsters vs Aliens, and the first Coraline with my boys). We had some extra time after and went for coffee and some browsing and the Hallmark store (this is a big one with lots of great "gifts"). 

I'm glad I had that little outing planned in advance or else I'm not sure where my day would have gone. I've just been so out of sorts lately. I was with the boy sick for a week, then I got sick and stayed home last week and my sister was over the whole time, and this week I was at work yet still sick and in a lot of pain due to my ankles being swollen. I'm not sure what happened with my ankles other than they are in great pain and not getting better, oi! I actually had a panic cry over them today in fear that I've really screwed them up and my life as I know it - in love with activity - was over and I was destined to just fatten up and be that way for the rest of my life, which I could not be able to handle. I'm trying to take care of them, but it is so hard for me to just sit down and rest. Even at my sickest last week I still got out for some exercise. Well, it's just been a lot and I have been trying hard, so hard, to just stick with things and be okay. But today I just needed a different sort of release. 

This next thing on my mind, I'm having a hard itme trying to explain it - get it out into words. It's something odd I do from time to time when I'm feeling so out of sorts and lost in my life. I imagine what I'd say in a suicide note. Today it was me making a call to my therapist who is going to be away on vacation for a couple weeks. I wanted to call her and let her know that it was in no way her fault and she did nothing, she infact has helped me and has kept me going. Which is the truth. To further that truth she is keeping me going. I don't know wh I get these odd thoughts as suicide is not something that I'd really do. I know that because if it were I would have done it by now. These thoughts really creep me out though. I've brought it up in therapy, but cannot remeber what was discussed about it (forgive me, it's 1.25 am!). I had a panic of thought when I was thinking back on this just not too long ago - I had a need to call my therapist yet was left with an empty feeling when I realized I was unable to do it. It's so odd, I have no safety net with me for a couple of weeks. Odder is I cannot recall that troubling thought that made me need her, which I guess is good. 

I need to attempt some sleep.