Moving Sale

I actually have nothing to sell, though I am moving. To here. And here.

It's become clear to me

I am living yet another Saturday evening alone, feeling let down and wronged. This feeling first came about last Friday, and lasted through the weekend. I have a yearning to be out and having a good time with friends, friends that I don't have yet will make. Before, the idea had sounded nice but couldn't really put myself in that position; now, I see myself fitting in fine, despite a bit awkwardly. It is what I am ready to do, and it has become clear to me, in mind and heart, that it is what I need to do at this point in my life. I will not achieve what I want by being so alone. I no longer want this life. The only hurdle, which happens to be a huge ass hurdle, is I have to quit my current job. I have been agonizing over this decision, yet it always feels right to conclude that it needs to be done. I just am lost as to how to do it. The family means so much to me, the boys and I are so so very close now. I have my own life though, outside of their family, that I have not been able to explore. Before, I was so lost and uncertain and having them as solid ground was wonderful from me, and I have grown so much more as a person these past three years with them. I have had to face so many of my phobias with no option to get out; I can talk to people when needed, request help and clarification, I can eat out at a restaurant surrounded by chaos. This job is not so easy to leave as in handing in a letter of resignation; I must talk to the parents, a skill I have not acquired.

I brought this dilemma up during therapy on Friday, and my doc asked why I have made this decision, my reason I want the parents to understand: it is that I am ready to move on, that I realized while on my travels that I want to be with people my age. It is nothing against the family, it is simply what I need in my life.

My life has been put on pause for the past seven years. Each day was a scheduled struggle, knowing what to expect and not doing what needs to be done. I was always a few steps short of living in the real world. I did do what I thought was needed, go to school and such, but I didn't get out of it what I thought I would. I just wasn't fully there, I was only doing what needed to be done.

As I embark on being halfway through my 24th year, I can finally feel it in all parts of my body that I want to be alive. I go out into the world hoping that someone will start talking to me, or I will see an opportunity to say something to them. I have heard before from the few friends I have made that they were always so hesitant to come talk to me because I look so closed off. I am sure I still look this way, as I still do struggle to go out and be among people; I am not sure how to change this part of me.

I've got a big week ahead of me, one that will push me far beyond my comfort zone and have to face the parents straight up and let them know just what is going through my mind, going on in my life.

I cannot wait until next weekend.

I swear I did go to So Cal

An outline of my trip for me to build upon:

FRIDAY

-Late start

-Another late start

-Tattoo

-Driving the sights

-Walking around Redondo for hot chocolate

SATURDAY

-Morning in Redondo Beach

-LACMA

-Santa Monica stop, miss out on Venice. SM Pier

-Drive down to SD

SUNDAY

-Morning kill time

-Pick up E

-Wrong exit, wind up at Fashion Valley mall, total bust

-Head to Hotel - Ocean Beach not what I thought it was.

-Walk on the beach, dog beach, shop around town

-Head downtown for the evening; meeting Steven

MONDAY

-Zoo! Feeding giraffes, baby koalas

-Sombrero's

-"Late" for flight and Erica's complaints

Be the change

As if by luck, I stumpled by the kitchen on my way out the door, only to hear Tunsits' meows for food. Oh yeah! I thought to myself as I remembered that I had meant to adhere to his request ten or so minutes before. I go out and appologize to him, letting him know I heard him earlier yet was too far from the garage that I got distrated on my way. I reflected on how that is what makes up a big part of my life right now - meaning to do something yet getting distracted along the way, and how that is so different from who I used to be - very much on the mark for everything. I then realized that this is me now; no matter how hard I try to cling to who I have been, I have become someone else. It is time to man up and just be it, let go of the past and just roll with the present me.

I get stuck so much in the past because it is something I know. The present is ever evolving, everyday now bringing along new insights and thoughts and revelations, states of mind and being that I have no control over. Who I have been in the past, the ever rigid hyper organized version of me, is someone I know. I do not have to be surprised at every new turn of my life. Yet being so stuck in wanting the past, I am letting who I am becoming slip right by me and not letting it become familiar. The past has happened, and there is no changing that. I have just now realized how much fun life is when I can live in the moment and get to know who I am becoming. There is so much to me that I have just not wanted to meet, yet all these aspects of me are what I had dreamed of so, so many years ago. I am an adult, I am a 24 y/o who needs to live in the moment and absorb as much of the world as I can before I am ready to settle into a spot. Who I am now is not ready to settle, I do not know enough about the planet and people I live with. If I were to settle now, like my plan had been all along... I can't imagine ever being satisfied with myself.

What I have realized today while feeding Tunsits is that I am not who I was, and while it is hard to let go of someone so familiar, I am turning into someone even better, someone who has live through 24.5 years as me. No more hiding, no more clinging to an old version of me; it is time to live.

All About Me

Though I do still have four days in So Cal to reflect upon, I am eager to get started on this next venture of mine. I purchased the All About Me book for a few dollars; I have seen it in bookstore since it's release yet never felt it worth my while to buy it. Which is odd, as I love answering questions and filling things out about myself! One day though, I thought of this book and how I'd like to work through it at this time in my life as a different sort of way to record who I am. I have a book that is similar, it is from the Listography series; the one I have is Love Listography: Your Love Life in Lists, which perhaps I will post a few out of it in the time coming.

All About Me part 1

Personal

NAME: Lindsay E Sander

ADDRESS: Bay Area California

PHONE NUMBER: not recording this online

TODAY'S DATE: 17 Feb 2010

PLACE OF BIRTH: Walnut Creek, CA Kaiser Hospital

DATE OF BIRTH: 12 Sept 1985

ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Virgo

PROFESSION: 24 year old

EDUCATION: BA in Psychology

HEIGHT: 5'5

WEIGHT: Don't know

HAIR COLOR: Blonde

EYE COLOR: Hazel

DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Scars, small mole on my left hand, mole on my neck, mole on my back. Tattoos: Three stars on left arm, pirate guy on right foot, heart and waves (smoke swirls) on right arm. Closed up lip ring hole left side

BLOOD TYPE: Don't know

ALLERGIES: Hazelnuts, latex, some laundry detergents, bar soap, lactose

Historical

Skipping on here

Favorites

A COLOR YOU LIKE TO WEAR: Black

REGARDLESS OF SIZE OR CIRCUMSTANCE, AN ANIMAL YOU WOULD LIKE TO OWN: Giraffe!

A FLOWER YOU WOULD LIKE TO GROW IN YOUR GARDEN: Don't really know my flowers

YOUR LUCKY NUMBER: 3

A SMELL THAT MAKES YOU PAUCE: Man - really wish I could describe it! Man in a pleasing way

A TASTE THAT MAKES YOU MELT: Uh...

A HOBBY THAT OCCUPIES YOUR TIME: Photography, though it needs to occupy more of my time

A SPORT YOU ENJOY WATCHING: Snowboard halfpipe, also happens to be the one I am watching now (Vancouver 2010 Olympics); there are a few sports I like to watch

A SPORT YOU ENJOY PLAYING: Longboarding, though you don't play that!

A CITY YOU LIKE TO VISIT: Haven't visited many enough to have a favorite at this point

A COUNTRY YOU LIKE TO EXPLORE: Same as above

YOUR FAVORITE MEAL: Roasted veggies in a spicy tomato sauce

A DRINK YOU OFTEN ORDER: Gin + tonic. Need to find a new one

A DELICIOUS DESSERT: Frothy milk

A GAME YOU LIKE TO PLAY: Character Mahjong

A BOOK YOU STRONGLY RECOMMEND: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

AN AUTHOR WHO HAS AFFECTED YOU: Stephen Chbosky, author of above book.

THE MAGAZINE YOU READ MOST FREQUENTLY: AP

THE NEWSPAPER YOU PREFER TO READ ON SUNDAYS: SF Chronicle

MUSIC YOU PREFER TO LISTEN TO WHEN YOU ARE ALONE: Um, poppy indie

THE SINGER OR BAND YOU CURRENTLY LISTEN TO THE MOST: This Providence, have a song of theirs in my head right now

THE FILM YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER: Empire Records

A DIRECTOR YOU ADMIRE:

AN ACTRESS WHOSE PERFORMANCES YOU ADMIRE:

AN ACTOR WHOSE PREFORMANCES YOU ADMIRE: Michael C. Hall

A TV SHOW YOU WATCH REGULARLY: Lost

AN ARTIST WHOSE WORK YOU HIGHLY RESPECT: London's ;)

A PIECE OF CLOTHING YOU LOVE TO WEAR: Black Matix skinny pants

A MONUMENT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A VIEW OF FROM YOUR BEDROOM: Sydney Opera House - it'd mean I was living in Aus

YOUR FAVORITE TIME OF DAY: Night

YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO SIT AT HOME: Fluffy white bean bag chair

WHAT YOU MOST LIKE TO DO ON SUNDAY: Shop

YOUR MOTTO: Truly live life

The Fruit of Your Labor

YOUR CHILDREN, AGES: Don't have any

YOUR PETS: Sailer

YOU LIVE IN A: cross between two cities

YOUR TRANSPORTATION: Audi A4, two longboards, '99 Schwinn road bike, Nirve Paul Frank Clancy Cruiser, my two feet

YOUR APPROXIMATE ANNUAL INCOME: I spend it too quickly to know or care

APPROXIMATE NUMBER OF HOURS YOU SPEND WORKING EACH WEEK: 96

YOUR WATCH: Not currently in use

YOUR COLOGNE OR PERFUME: Juicy Couture

SOMETHING IMPORTANT ON YOUR DESK: iPhone

ON YOUR WALL HANGS: Some of my photos, Gilligan Island framed poster, two shelves, one for One Tree Hill, the other for The OC, band memrobilia, hats and scarves, calender, clock, mirror

UNDER YOUR BED OR IN YOUR CLOSET YOU HIDE: My belongings

SOMETHING IMPORTANT ON YOUR NIGHT TABLE: No night table

WHEN YOU SLEEP, OU WEAR: Typically, a top and bottom of the clothing kind

IF YOU HAD A SAFE, YOU WOULD KEEP: who knows

THINGS YOU LIKE TO BUY: Clothes, make-up, music

IF YOU COULD AFFORD IT AT THIS MOMENT, YOU WOULD BUY: A brand spankin new Ausi S4 and my own place to live

YOU COLLECT: Giraffes, rubber duckies

YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT OF: Bar glasses

YOUR STRANGEST POSSESSION:

YOUR MOST EXPENSIVE POSSESION: MacBook Pro (don't technically own my car)

YOUR PRIZED POSSESSION: Sailer

MATERIAL POSSESSIONS ARE: nice to have

IF YOUR HOUSE WERE BURNING...: skipping this question as it is a great fear of mine that I would rather not like to think about!

Morals

SOMETHING FORBIDDEN YOU HAVE DONE THAT MIGHT EVEN SURPRISE YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS: Nothing they don't know

PEOPLE SHOULD NOT MARRY BEFORE THIS AGE: 18

PEOPLE SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN BEFORE THIS AGE: 20

THE APPROPIATE AGE FOR HAVING SEX: 15/16

THE FIRST TIME YOU HAD SEX, YOU WERE THIS AGE: 18

YOUR MOST RECENT LIE: Who I was with in LA

WHEN YOU ARE LATE FOR AN APPOINTMENT AND IT'S YOUR FAULT, YOU: Tell the truth, usually

A LIE YOU TELL YOURSELF: You are enormous

SOMETHING YOU HAVE STOLEN THAT WAS NOT WORTH THE RISK: Nothing

ONE PERSON YOU HAVE KILLED IN YOUR THOUGHTS: Alec

ONE PERSON YOU M IGHT KILL IF YOU KNEW THE LAW WOULD PROTECT YOU: No one at the moment

ONE THING IN THIS WORLD YOU ARE ADDICTED TO: Boys

A DRUG OR ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE YOU TAKE ON A REGULAR BASIS: Vodka, typically with cranberry juice

IF THERE WERE NO SIDE EFFECTS, YOU WOULD ENJOY BEING ADDICTED TO: Speed

DRUGS YOU HAVE TRIED IN THE PAST: Pot, E, Speed

A DRUG YOU WOULD NEVER TRY: Can't say never

A DRUG YOU WOULD NEVER TRY AGAIN:

YOU BELIEVE HITTING A CHILD IS AN APPROPRIATE FORM OF DISCIPLINE: No

AS AN ADULT, YOU HAVE HIT A WOMAN: No

AS AN ADULT, YOU HAVE HIT A MAN: No

YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED: No

YOU HAVE READ SOMEONE'S DIARY OR GONE THROUGH SOMEONE'S PRIVATE BELONGINGS WITHOUT PERMISSION: Yes

IF YES, WHICH BEST DESCRIBES YOUR REASON: Curiosity

IF YES, WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER: More about the person

WHAT WOULD YOUR REACTION BE IF YOUR SPOUCE OR PARTNER CHEATED ON YOU: Hypothetical: would want to understand the why

YOU HAVE CHEATED: No

A TIME YOU PURPOSELY HURT SOMEONE EMOTIONALLY: Christer's wedding weekend, only on purpose because I had done it unintentionally the night before

YOU HAVE APOLOGIZED: Not formally, directly

A TIME YOU ACCIDENTLY HURT SOMEONE EMOTIONALLY: Christer's wedding weekend

YOU HAVE APOLOGIZED: Not formally, directly

YOU OWE SOMEONE MONEY BUT HAVE STALLED IN PAYING IT BACK: No

the lovely gent who graces your eyes above this writing is Nate Flynn of the band Sing It Loud. I had the pleasure of seeing him tonight in Chicago at the Metro for the 5 year anniversary The Academy Is...'s first record release Almost Here. I had picked up Sing It Loud's first album not long after it came out, being drawn in by the cover. I had not seen them live before, but do not doubt I will see them again. You see, the image above of Nate is how he performs live. Shirtless. To add to his shirtlessness, he is amazing on stage, the most energetic in the bunch.

During The Academy Is..., Nate ended up infront of me for a moment, and in this moment I got his attenstion by my hand on his leather jacket covered arm, to which his attention was drawn. I smiled, leaned in, hand on his stomach, and told him that I love how he plays shirtless. He smiled with a slight giggle. He asked my name and introduced himself, then embraced me in a hug. He smelled wonderful, and I clung to that smell for as long as I could.

-----------------

The show was amazing, as expected. I am glad I made the trip to Chicago, and have much to tell. I have had a long day of walking around in this harsh cold, and I just hope I can recount what is important tomorrow. Now, I need to just hunker down and watch a movie, as I have been left with unbearable lonliness.

------------------

ALMOST HERE ANNIVERSARY SHOW

My trip to Chicago was for this show, otherwise I would not have chosen the first week of February! I had bought VIP tickets, which meant I got to meet the band, got an official show laminate (with my picture), and the show poster which they had signed. You had to be a Santi's Little Helper (official fan club) to be able to purchase the limited VIP package, and how could I resist?! Well, not long before the show, the SLH VIPs were sent an e-mail, which said to be at the doors no later than 4:15pm as you then might not get in. Well, I get there around 4:10 to wait. And wait. And wait and wait and wait. We didn't go in until 5:30ish! It was so cold outside, was 20something, yet felt like 17F (according to a weather app). My full body was shaking from being so cold, and I was very worried about frostbite on my toes, luckily I didn't. My teeth still had a slight chatter by the end of the show hours later.

All was not lost, as the girl standing in front of me in line said she liked my shoes (lace up Toms) and we then started talking. It made being out in the cold not as bad. She reminded me of me as a teenager.

It was nice meeting the guys again. I didn't think they'd remember me, so I did as before and held out my hand to shake as I said "Hi, I'm Lindsay." To which they respond, "Hi, I'm..." and then said "You look familiar." aww shucks. So I reminded them we met back in October in San Francisco. Adam/Sisky remembered the exact date even! I didn't have as much time as last to talk, so I kept it short but made sure to do more than just say hi and get their autograph (I decided to this time as I had found label stickers the perfect size for autographing while out in town that day). I talked to Adam/Sisky about cats of course! He told how his kitten has been wanting to sleep in his room so had been going to his door and scratching at it until he finally let him in. Well, Sisky decided to train him, and set up the vacuum so he could easily turn it on everytime the kitten started scratching! Clever.

Bill told me he liked my jacket.

"I really like your jacket," he said after we covered the bases of who we were.

I looked down as if I forgot what I was wearing, to only look back up in the same instant and said "Thanks, it's my favorite."

"I really like the buttons. And the colors." He explained.

"Exactly what attracted me to it."

"Where'd you get it?" he asked in a sly voice.

"San Diego California, two or three years ago," I did not hesitate to divulge the whereabouts of the jacket purchase, knowing it was far from his home and also long gone.

"I bet it was cheap then," he said sarcasticly.

"Not really," I replied not catching the joke. Then I did, gave a soft laugh, and told him I get it. We then discussed the need of jackets in So Cal.

I love seeing TAI... perform, I cannot help but smile. Very few bands get me to smile so when I see them, not to say I don't enjoy the show because I do! It's just, those few bands mean a lot to me. Watching TAI... feels like being in a great secret. Each member has a different performance style and still make a fantastic show together. Bill is just all over the stage, up and down, throwing and swinging the mic and stand, always animated; Mike always goes away from his mic closer to the stage edge and sings along; Sisky bobs and turns and is always going, and he kept on throwing pics out in the crown that he'd get from Michaels mic setup, and Michael gave him a "hard" time about it at one point; Michael is always so serious into it, he is the most still of the bunch, leaning forward, his long hair draping over his face and top of guitar (his hair is getting long, he needs to cut it!); and the Butcher is just at it, a real animal on the drums. They are always connected to each other, coming in contact, sharing the mic for a chorus line, short off the mic remarks. Pure perfection.

------------------

DAY ONE - FRIDAY

For the trip, I decided I would use public transportation and my own feet. While my feet get plenty of use everywhere I go and I am rather good at ready maps, I am not used to public transportation. I rely on my car, I love my car, I love driving. I like knowing when and where I am going and being in control. I do not understand the bus schedules of my area, but I am good at using out BART trains, though that skill is just from using them before I could drive. Still, I had it in my head that I would be able to make use of public transport in Chicago. If it weren't for my ability to ask for help though, I would have failed ot fully figure it out. Turns out the trains (the L) and buses are simple to use.

I arrived into the Chicago air with some light snow falling to snow and icy ground. It was a wonderland to me, and I was so enticed by it's magic that I wasn't bothered that I was still dressed too Californian for it.

I arrived at my hotel a tad cold and wet, yet already so excited about the city. So excited that I sat down and flipped through my travel book and looked at different places, located them on the map, and then figured how I’d get there by the L and bus. I then looked at a clock and realized it was fast approaching 8:00 pm. So... how about that night life?

I found a club/bar that sounded perfect: the Darkroom, which mixed the two owners hobbies, photography and bartending. Right up my alley. I had time to kill, and there was a Border’s near the red line stop. Out of everything I could have found to do, I went to Border’s, a place where I am no stranger to. This is also when I got to experience why it is known as the Windy City. I was walking around exploring when the wind really kicked in; my hood would not stay on my head, and when I stopped for a street corner, I could not stand in one spot as I was blown about by the wind. So windy, and so cold.

After a long, long wait for the correct bus, I made it down to the club/bar. It was darkroom esque inside, in feel and color and had photographs all about, including on the bar (which was the center of the place). It is the kind of place I’d like to work in. While there, I chatted it up with a male model, and was drawn in by this lad who stood in close to the same position just looking forward, to what I could not really figure out (there had been a band playing, but he was so focused on the spot after they were finished).

The area was near deserted when I left (not many people like to hang outside in the winter I take it), so I decided to walk down the street as far as my gut would take me (I scare easily in the dark and am a bit paranoid) to a bus stop. I came upon a group singing no less a few blocks down and decided it safe to stop, especially since they had been at the same stop on the way down. I started talking to one guy and pretty much talked to him the whole wait and ride, with a few of his other guy friends. The girls just looked at me. They were from a bible college in town and had been out for a night of karaoke, sober none the less.

By the time I made it back to the hotel, I was exhausted and literally passed out in bed.

------------------

PRE-SHOW SATURDAY

I took to the area that I was staying in, walked around for three or four hours. Bought a collar for my dog to be and some cat toys. Came upon Wrigley Stadium without even realizing it.

------------------

SUNDAY, HOME

This was really just a day of travel, not much interests typically. However, the travel took three extra hours than originally planned. About 30 minutes into the flight, the pilot comes on and says, if you haven’t noticed that we have been maintaining a low altitude for a while, it is because this one thing (he used the real name) went out, and though we have a backup and an emergency, I don’t want to risk it so we are turning back now and they will either fix it or get us on a new plane. (or so that is how i remember it.) This thing that went out has to do with the nose, and it has two computers that are usually in sync, yet they decided to not be in sync then. Well, we ended up hustling onto a new plane and continuing the journey home. I didn’t get home until close to 10:00 pm, and it was hard to have to unpack and repack for work with not having as much chill time as planned.

During both plane rides (speaking to Chi and back) I read most of the trip. I did a bit of writing, but the majority was reading. Something that is so different for me, it has been a while since I could focus and read, but have certainly gotten back into it, and this has also contributed to my writing more. It is hard for me to find a book I like and can get into, but when I do it is great. I am a slow reader, so even though I started the book before the first flight, I have still yet to finish it (I also don’t have much time to read during the week).

regret

(thoughts complete for the most part)

This morning (Saturday) I found out a friend of mine died yesterday (Friday). We had met through a mental health support site, and I had always wanted to start talking with her yet was always too shy. It wasn't until I offered to send her some Torani sugar-free vanilla syrup did our friendship start. She has a precious sou, and was always so kind and supportive. She had been trying hard to improve on her ED, yet it had such a hold on her and in the end became too much for her fragile body to handle.
i hadn't talked to her for a few months. i thought about her a lot and hoped she was finding the strength to get through everyday. as my head was beginning to clear and i realized having relationships were important to me, i intended to contact her again, among some others. well, i hadn't (nor the others /: ). it's too late now, and it sucks. i have quite the problem with forgetting to do things and having them put off, yet never has the consequence hit me so hard. i am saddened that i was unable to reconnect with such a lovely soul. Ka was in a place where her life to her seemed like it would always be ED. I wish I had had the chance to let her know how I am doing better, how my head has cleared up and has space to handle a life, though still alongside the Critic. For so long I had barely a hope for a life, as it seemed too daunting to keep up. I went through college not really knowing what I wanted to do, and graduated without the passion to go on. i just kind of... went along. though that time sucked, im glad i made it through and am now living with the perspective on life that i have now. i know i can go on as i know what i want. i wish i were able to tell ka all that, and that i hope she kept pushing on because this chance may come for her too, no matter how unrealistic it felt. i also wish i could tell that i am glad we became friends, and she how put more joy into my life. i wish, though i can't.

i have a bit of trouble with holding on to missed opportunities, and what didn't go right in my life and wishing i had done it differently. so many times do i replay certain times just so i can do it differently. I don't do things because I am afraid I wont be able to do it right. It does no good.

As I've said before, I cannot wait for life to happen anymore. I cannot be scared of what will come of me living life. If I keep putting something off, it may become too late. It is one thing to have the good plan, a good intention, but it's a whole other to actually carry it out. As I often say to Evan, it's not enough to know something, you have to act on your knowledge.

The passing of Ka is also a slap in my face about how consuming this disease is. I had known before that it is possible to die from the ED, though I never had known someone to. Now that possibility is so real. All I can think now is how much I need to push myself in life to get past all my anxieties. Sadly, the critic in my head is still loud about my body and I'm not sure he will stop. My mum and I had a bit of a talk about it, and I let her know how comforting he is, how he has turned into a friend. She said why keep such a nasty friend around? Well, he isn't always so destructive, yet when he is, he truly is. In life when people are saying things that are not beneficial to my well-being, I tune them out. I cannot tune my critic out. No matter how much I am determined to try and live a life like I always thought I'd have, my Critic is still there, and will not leave my body alone!

living

the mum of "my" boys said something that really hit home to me: "most of life is just hanging on." lately i have been dealing with a lot of life and trying to finally figure out who i am. when she said that, it made me realize that for the past seven years i have just been hanging on. i did what i thought people do in life, without really considering me. i was so lost and unsure of myself and what to do. life had turned out not to be what i dreamed about as a youngster. i have been living in a fog, on the outskirts of life, squinting to try and make it all out. i pushed myself through school and focused so hard on doing the work and doing well, that the fun in life slipped away. now that i am finally getting a grip back on life, it is hard to stop myself. i want to just go out and finally enjoy what i can. i know i'm not quite ready, but i am getting there. i cant wait to be there, as i think part of getting there is in starting to enjoy what is around me. this feeling is just but a small part of me, lost in swirl of criticism, anxieties, and obsessions, but it has made it's place in me that has put light back into me.

i was talking to my good friend thea today. it is always nice to talk to her as our struggles are much the same. we got to talking about the difficulty in moving on, and she brought up the issue of having to make decisions. i used to have a hard time making decisions for myself and always doubted what i chose. it was just easier to just let other people make the decisions! however, this left me just waiting to be told what to do and not always getting what i wanted. it was towards the end of december, when my brain was wild with thoughts, that it hit that it was okay for me to decide what to do. this is my life, and i need to lead it. the whole world opened up to me then as i realized i could do what i wanted. i didn't need to wait for someone to invite me on a trip - i just had to plan it for myself. i don't have to rush into grad school just because i feel pressured to not take too long off - i need to actually be ready and committed to it. i could move and see the world, open myself up to other people. i am so burned out and tired of most of the people from here. i need a new place, a different environment with different people, to stimulate myself back into life. iit is all my decision to make.

i was using my computer when my thoughts arose...

i have come to realize that my life is just as it is, yet i still get pained that i'm not within the normal spectrum. nothing comes easy to me - even getting out of bed takes a pep talk. it took me two hours to get out today to take care of some errands. i have spent the past eight years of my life in a fog. before then, despite a few struggles, i had life inside of me. only recently have i realized this, and how many important years of my life have gone by. im ready to get into life. i have plans for some trips sans parents or siblings, and i badly want to move away and just try to make it, without the worry of judgement from my family. i would be on my way with it now except i am quite attached to my job and just don't know how to let the news get in. maybe a few more months will be good, as i might not be completely ready now. i wont be completely ready when it happens either, but it has to happen. one thing i have learned these past few months of having an active mind is that life does not come to me, or anyone for that matter. it takes a lot of work, and chance, and luck. for so long i had thought that life just happened, and that fear of not knowing what was going to happen freaked me out. life felt like it was out of my control. so enter my control with the ED and what happened was the opposite: i got no life. i have improved with the ED by miles, but i am still so consumed with it. it can be quite comforting at times - and quite vicious. so of course when the comforting parts come around, the viciousness is forgiven. that viciousness is actually what sparked my mind right now. i looked in the mirror and had critical thoughts, which happens 99% of the time, and my head grew sympathetic to the fact that other people can look in the mirror with no problems while i cant. even sitting here right now i am aware of every ounce of fat that is on me and how uncomfortable it makes me feel. i am still consumed in my Critics thoughts, and he is what makes the ED go, and the OCD go, and he makes me anxious, and such. i am at least better behavior wise. unfortunately, more of my time is spent in thought than in behavior. it is just how ive developed to be come my rebuild in life. i have always had a thoughtful side to me, but was also very social. a lot comes out of my thoughts - i am able to figure out aspects of my life, i am caring towards everything and everyone, it is what sparks my writing (which i am fond of). as talked about before, it has fueled the difficult parts of my life as my Critic became quite loud and ruling. it has also led me to be vain to a degree. i care so much about how i look; hair, clothes, make-up, body parts have to be just so, and i dont let up for anyone on this. i am at least nothing extreme, just very particular.
i do not desire to change my life full, rather i just wish to enhance it. i want human company, people to go out with and have fun, hang around and get me to watch a movie, someone to drink with. i feel i can start to handle it. i am very bad with keeping up with relationships as i am just consumed in my own self and forget others for a good chunk of time. i dont know enough about the few friends i have, and i really wish i knew more about them. it is a skill i need to work on, obviously. i am not really looking forward to having a job and paying bills, but it comes with the life i am ready to have. it just means my free time gets to truly be my free time. and i cannot wait to get a puppy! i know i am so close to it, it has gotten near impossible to wait any longer. it takes a lot to stop myself from getting one right now! i will for sure still have Sailer, she will just have to learn to like her new buddy. She will need one.
Despite my high hopes for my enhanced life, I know i will never be who i thought i would be. i have my Critic and he will be here for the long haul, it has been made clear. i am just going to have to live with him, and do the best that I can with him. Teamwork, right.

2010/year spaceship firsts

type in your 2010’s first :

thing you said : either something about it being year spaceship or that we are living in the future.

thing you ate : hmmm... i dont remember!

thing you drank : gin + tonic that i had from the year before

person you kissed : charlie, just today!

person you hugged : my mum over the weekend

person that texted : liz.

voice mail you received : none

text you sent out : to liz

voice mail you sent out : none

channel you watched : tv land most likely

perfume/cologne you used : juicy couture - viva la juicy

movie you watched : dont think i have

shoes you wore : black mocasin type shoes that are at least 4 y/o

place you went : home

persons house you went to : my parents

song you listened to : brett dennon live

website you went on : williambeckett.com

person you talked to on the phone : liz

pet you saw : sailer

car you were in : my own

death cab for cutie - the new year

click the title for a treat appropriate for a new year