regret

(thoughts complete for the most part)

This morning (Saturday) I found out a friend of mine died yesterday (Friday). We had met through a mental health support site, and I had always wanted to start talking with her yet was always too shy. It wasn't until I offered to send her some Torani sugar-free vanilla syrup did our friendship start. She has a precious sou, and was always so kind and supportive. She had been trying hard to improve on her ED, yet it had such a hold on her and in the end became too much for her fragile body to handle.
i hadn't talked to her for a few months. i thought about her a lot and hoped she was finding the strength to get through everyday. as my head was beginning to clear and i realized having relationships were important to me, i intended to contact her again, among some others. well, i hadn't (nor the others /: ). it's too late now, and it sucks. i have quite the problem with forgetting to do things and having them put off, yet never has the consequence hit me so hard. i am saddened that i was unable to reconnect with such a lovely soul. Ka was in a place where her life to her seemed like it would always be ED. I wish I had had the chance to let her know how I am doing better, how my head has cleared up and has space to handle a life, though still alongside the Critic. For so long I had barely a hope for a life, as it seemed too daunting to keep up. I went through college not really knowing what I wanted to do, and graduated without the passion to go on. i just kind of... went along. though that time sucked, im glad i made it through and am now living with the perspective on life that i have now. i know i can go on as i know what i want. i wish i were able to tell ka all that, and that i hope she kept pushing on because this chance may come for her too, no matter how unrealistic it felt. i also wish i could tell that i am glad we became friends, and she how put more joy into my life. i wish, though i can't.

i have a bit of trouble with holding on to missed opportunities, and what didn't go right in my life and wishing i had done it differently. so many times do i replay certain times just so i can do it differently. I don't do things because I am afraid I wont be able to do it right. It does no good.

As I've said before, I cannot wait for life to happen anymore. I cannot be scared of what will come of me living life. If I keep putting something off, it may become too late. It is one thing to have the good plan, a good intention, but it's a whole other to actually carry it out. As I often say to Evan, it's not enough to know something, you have to act on your knowledge.

The passing of Ka is also a slap in my face about how consuming this disease is. I had known before that it is possible to die from the ED, though I never had known someone to. Now that possibility is so real. All I can think now is how much I need to push myself in life to get past all my anxieties. Sadly, the critic in my head is still loud about my body and I'm not sure he will stop. My mum and I had a bit of a talk about it, and I let her know how comforting he is, how he has turned into a friend. She said why keep such a nasty friend around? Well, he isn't always so destructive, yet when he is, he truly is. In life when people are saying things that are not beneficial to my well-being, I tune them out. I cannot tune my critic out. No matter how much I am determined to try and live a life like I always thought I'd have, my Critic is still there, and will not leave my body alone!

living

the mum of "my" boys said something that really hit home to me: "most of life is just hanging on." lately i have been dealing with a lot of life and trying to finally figure out who i am. when she said that, it made me realize that for the past seven years i have just been hanging on. i did what i thought people do in life, without really considering me. i was so lost and unsure of myself and what to do. life had turned out not to be what i dreamed about as a youngster. i have been living in a fog, on the outskirts of life, squinting to try and make it all out. i pushed myself through school and focused so hard on doing the work and doing well, that the fun in life slipped away. now that i am finally getting a grip back on life, it is hard to stop myself. i want to just go out and finally enjoy what i can. i know i'm not quite ready, but i am getting there. i cant wait to be there, as i think part of getting there is in starting to enjoy what is around me. this feeling is just but a small part of me, lost in swirl of criticism, anxieties, and obsessions, but it has made it's place in me that has put light back into me.

i was talking to my good friend thea today. it is always nice to talk to her as our struggles are much the same. we got to talking about the difficulty in moving on, and she brought up the issue of having to make decisions. i used to have a hard time making decisions for myself and always doubted what i chose. it was just easier to just let other people make the decisions! however, this left me just waiting to be told what to do and not always getting what i wanted. it was towards the end of december, when my brain was wild with thoughts, that it hit that it was okay for me to decide what to do. this is my life, and i need to lead it. the whole world opened up to me then as i realized i could do what i wanted. i didn't need to wait for someone to invite me on a trip - i just had to plan it for myself. i don't have to rush into grad school just because i feel pressured to not take too long off - i need to actually be ready and committed to it. i could move and see the world, open myself up to other people. i am so burned out and tired of most of the people from here. i need a new place, a different environment with different people, to stimulate myself back into life. iit is all my decision to make.

i was using my computer when my thoughts arose...

i have come to realize that my life is just as it is, yet i still get pained that i'm not within the normal spectrum. nothing comes easy to me - even getting out of bed takes a pep talk. it took me two hours to get out today to take care of some errands. i have spent the past eight years of my life in a fog. before then, despite a few struggles, i had life inside of me. only recently have i realized this, and how many important years of my life have gone by. im ready to get into life. i have plans for some trips sans parents or siblings, and i badly want to move away and just try to make it, without the worry of judgement from my family. i would be on my way with it now except i am quite attached to my job and just don't know how to let the news get in. maybe a few more months will be good, as i might not be completely ready now. i wont be completely ready when it happens either, but it has to happen. one thing i have learned these past few months of having an active mind is that life does not come to me, or anyone for that matter. it takes a lot of work, and chance, and luck. for so long i had thought that life just happened, and that fear of not knowing what was going to happen freaked me out. life felt like it was out of my control. so enter my control with the ED and what happened was the opposite: i got no life. i have improved with the ED by miles, but i am still so consumed with it. it can be quite comforting at times - and quite vicious. so of course when the comforting parts come around, the viciousness is forgiven. that viciousness is actually what sparked my mind right now. i looked in the mirror and had critical thoughts, which happens 99% of the time, and my head grew sympathetic to the fact that other people can look in the mirror with no problems while i cant. even sitting here right now i am aware of every ounce of fat that is on me and how uncomfortable it makes me feel. i am still consumed in my Critics thoughts, and he is what makes the ED go, and the OCD go, and he makes me anxious, and such. i am at least better behavior wise. unfortunately, more of my time is spent in thought than in behavior. it is just how ive developed to be come my rebuild in life. i have always had a thoughtful side to me, but was also very social. a lot comes out of my thoughts - i am able to figure out aspects of my life, i am caring towards everything and everyone, it is what sparks my writing (which i am fond of). as talked about before, it has fueled the difficult parts of my life as my Critic became quite loud and ruling. it has also led me to be vain to a degree. i care so much about how i look; hair, clothes, make-up, body parts have to be just so, and i dont let up for anyone on this. i am at least nothing extreme, just very particular.
i do not desire to change my life full, rather i just wish to enhance it. i want human company, people to go out with and have fun, hang around and get me to watch a movie, someone to drink with. i feel i can start to handle it. i am very bad with keeping up with relationships as i am just consumed in my own self and forget others for a good chunk of time. i dont know enough about the few friends i have, and i really wish i knew more about them. it is a skill i need to work on, obviously. i am not really looking forward to having a job and paying bills, but it comes with the life i am ready to have. it just means my free time gets to truly be my free time. and i cannot wait to get a puppy! i know i am so close to it, it has gotten near impossible to wait any longer. it takes a lot to stop myself from getting one right now! i will for sure still have Sailer, she will just have to learn to like her new buddy. She will need one.
Despite my high hopes for my enhanced life, I know i will never be who i thought i would be. i have my Critic and he will be here for the long haul, it has been made clear. i am just going to have to live with him, and do the best that I can with him. Teamwork, right.

2010/year spaceship firsts

type in your 2010’s first :

thing you said : either something about it being year spaceship or that we are living in the future.

thing you ate : hmmm... i dont remember!

thing you drank : gin + tonic that i had from the year before

person you kissed : charlie, just today!

person you hugged : my mum over the weekend

person that texted : liz.

voice mail you received : none

text you sent out : to liz

voice mail you sent out : none

channel you watched : tv land most likely

perfume/cologne you used : juicy couture - viva la juicy

movie you watched : dont think i have

shoes you wore : black mocasin type shoes that are at least 4 y/o

place you went : home

persons house you went to : my parents

song you listened to : brett dennon live

website you went on : williambeckett.com

person you talked to on the phone : liz

pet you saw : sailer

car you were in : my own

death cab for cutie - the new year

click the title for a treat appropriate for a new year