moving on?

the drive I had to take to my GRE test took me on a stretch of highway that passes such a memory weighed place for me. I rarely drive this way, yet every time I do, I get an unexplainable feeling. I'm not sure which exit exactly to take, nor where the roads are to take me there, but nestled off this stretch is where I was hospitalized for many weeks when I was 17.

this past Friday as I drove passed, my mind sparked with reflection. Here I was on my way to a monumental test, one that will help me along in my academic career, a path not many people get a chance to take. As I went passed, I could remember the emaciated 17 me in that hospital. Her, contrasted against me - I wasn't sure how to feel. I couldn't decide which me was happier. I was happier in a different way back then, and I couldn't imagine me being this kind of content (can't say I'm happy!) at a triple digit weight. Not many people had much faith in me after that hospitalization. I was released earlier than they had wanted, and dropped the weight not long after, then some more.

I knew nothing but to keep going. The life I knew to lead was high school, college, graduate school. I hadn't imagined another option. Though when I graduated college, I was in a dark place. I knew I couldn't go on with school, yet had nothing else to do. I was working, taking care of two boys for a family I have become really close to, but no matter how much I love them, it's not what I wanted to do forever.

Slowly this summer, after going back on meds and getting them right, I began to remember what I wanted my life to be like. One day, I decided I needed to take the GRE finally and get my butt back in school.

As the days went on, my nose deep in a GRE study book, my brain so confused, more of me began coming back. I got back into old interests, hobbies, ideas. My thinking changed - I was becoming more of who I had been becoming so long ago, just a more refined version. I have been shaped by what I've been through and who I used to be, all the many people I tried out with one Lindsay at the core. I know I have come a long way from the girl in the hospital, physically and mentally, though I also don't feel I have come that far. I still have a lot of work to do, and not really in a moving forward direction. I have to present myself as forever going forward and moving on, but there is a strong part of me that wants a lot back. I hate some of this me, hate some of the old me. I'm just hoping there is a middle ground and I can find it soon.

the never ending thought

Keith gave a maybe for the plans to go to "Hipster Heaven" Friday (if we do go, maybe ill try to commit the real name to memory!). Having the topic fresh between us, Keith asked

Did that guy ever call?

Not yet was all my answer could be. I hadn't given it to much thought, as the giving of my number went with no guidelines. Yet Keith having asked, my mind began spinning; should he have called by now? if a guy asks for your number, is that implying a guaranteed call? did i do something that made him change his mind, made him regret getting my number? uh, what was it he said about a party? Often my brain just latches onto a topic and runs with it. During this, other thoughts get tangled back in, stories get intertwined. I began to analyze past boys, telling the story in my head as if someone was actually listening - and interested. I realized I hadn't actually ever just given a guy my number (note: i didn't just give Friday guy my number, this was after dancing, talking, sharing a drink and such, then he asked for it), so the newness of the situation is what is driving me crazy. I will just have to deal with this unease in my stomach until either a. he calls or b. there becomes a new guy. though a is my preferred option!

In situations like these, where I am involved with another party, I used to harshly criticize every part of it immediately after. When I had met TAI..., there was no criticising - I just felt so good, I had actually done it, and done it well in my book. After Friday's events, I did not see any faults right away, I was too caught up in how refreshing it felt, amazed I had actually enjoyed something - dare I say have fun? Not until today, Wednesday, did I find some faults in my actions - mostly just some conversation I ought to have said. Years of training and my brain is finally learning to detect the good.

Not saying this happens all the time, I am still so very critical. During a run I am correcting myself as I go - need to pick up my feet more, widen my stride, straighten my arms. Afterwards, seeing the distance, time, and average pace, I can only think of the little bit more I could have done to increase the distance and time, and that I could have achieved a faster pace. I do not reflect on how good I feel afterwards or reflecting on the mere fact that I can actually run again! This harsh self criticism is also part of what keeps me so closed up. I am afraid of saying the right think, afraid my voice will sound funny, worried over how many words I will stumble over. This is not the only reason I am so closed in, but they are the thoughts that creep up when facing a social situation. Luckily, alcohol is a wonderful cure for this, it puts the criticism to sleep and corrects whatever chemical imbalance in my head that goes on to make me such the way. It certainly is not an everyday option though.

So this has swirled my thoughts up so much I forgot where I was headed.

I am riddled with nerves at the moment, as I take my Graduate Record Exam Friday, and then I have a month to complete and gather all the materials needed for grad school applications, at least seven schools. How did I get so skilled at putting things off?!

being 24

I had high hopes for my 20's: I envisioned myself with a handful of friends, calls every night inviting me out, a gorgeous boyfriend and myself a killer body, excelling in school and advancing on to a career. All there is to say to t his younger version of myself with these high hopes is "I'm sorry."

My twenties started out very lonely as I was still trying to being alive. I had a few friends and the gorgeous guys, yet calls were few and far between and I didn't hang out every night.

Twenty-one I went off to school, where I thought I'd acquire new friends and my life would pick up. I did make a few class friends, but every night placed me in my room with Sailer, driving myself crazy over school work and every little thing that was out of place. I did have some fun when I moved in with Jessica!

Twenty-two, drunk off my ass on my birthday, saying who knows what and doing who knows what with a certain someone. My life really started changing, and not exactly for the better.

Though some better, as a school friend became a true friend - Thea.

Twenty-three hit hard, and I began unravelling, again.

Now... twenty-four. The day was 12 September 2009. I had high hopes going into this day. 24 - 2+4=6, a safe number for me.

Approaching the birthday, I started seeing some changes. I considered going out for dinners with my family, I was trying to be more active, more insightful in therapy, I tuned into what I wanted.

One month and eight days into being 24 and I am slightly amazed. The Lindsay inside of me is really back into a true love - running. I am being more creative, I am more energetic. There are things I want to do and those that I don't mind doing. I have been out with my family - both families (the other being my work family!). I have eaten cake, and a cupcake just tonight. I finally mustered up the courage and signed up for a The Academy Is... meet and greet and had an amazing time and was able to truly talk and feel okay about it.

Best of all, I've experienced what my life as a twenty year old was supposed to be. Nights out at a club/bar, having drinks after drinks after drinks, dancing with whoever a friend pushed over to me. My name went into a lovely guys cell phone as "Lindsay From Bar," which if he calls I need to let him know the from bar part can be taken away!

And so... here's life, this is what it is. I am still my biggest critic, that voice has not gone away. The change is that my true self is popping up more, I am just letting myself be. I can finally take a breath, look with clarity, and realize this is me.