most anticipated 2010

Like the Haircut 100, I give you AP's Most Anticipated albums for 2010 that I agree with.

The Academy Is...; Expect it Fall

This February marks the five year release of their first label album, Almost Here. They are playing a show in their hometown of Chicago, IL, that I am attending, of the album in it's entirety. They have grown as musicians and people since then, and if their EP released in September of '09 is any indication of what the new album will be like, it will be pure musical bliss to the ears.

The Cab; Expect it Late Spring

This is a must band to know. I am so glad I fell upon them early in their label career. They will be on this Springs AP Tour, which I will catch in Seattle, WA. Definately worth checking out is Alex DeLeon's blog (he is the singer), his incredible writing and insight goes beyond lyrics.

The Get Up Kids; Expect it Spring - EP, Fall - full-length

I had to do a double take when I saw this! GUK are an old high school favorite of mine. After having disbanded for a while, they are back and ready to go. I hope they give a kickback album and stray away from what the genre's sound is currently (not so good!).

Motion City Soundtrack; Expect it Jan 19

I have already pre-ordered my copy.

Never Shout Never; expect it February

Another Spring AP Tour member, Never Shout Never is Christofer Drew. Quote from the article: "I don't have too many friends... I just kinda write songs." Much like me, only I write fiction.

I also appreciate what he says about recording an older sounding, 50's-esque record: "I'm kinda fed up with all the over-produced nonsense that's coming out right now." See me previous comment on how much of the new music out now is not so good. It is not the crackly, vocal driven tunes from just a few years ago.

The Young Veins; Expect it Spring

The Young Veins is made up of two former PAnic! At The Disco members Jon Walker and Ryan Ross. As Ross says, "it was clear we needed a new outlet" in responce to the split from Brendon Urie and Spencer Smith, the current P!ATD. What they will give us is a "feel-good "beach" vibe" - though now Beach Boys beachy.

Not in AP is the anticipation of the Panic! album, which I am very eager to see released.

I had been meaning to write this up for a while, and I had thought of other albums that will be released in 2010 (Year Spaceship), yet they seem to have escaped me for the moment! If/when I recall, I will surely add them on.

Christmas in photographs

(not pictured: giraffe mug, giraffe loofa, giraffe shower gel from thea)

<3

my life, starting in 2010

(unfinished draft)

Somewhere along my way I got pushed off track. I have been doing what I thought I ought to be doing, yet I am not sure it is what I want to be doing.

I was in the kitchen Christmas Eve starting my hours of baking and cooking. I was by myself, had some music on, and my thoughts just went where they wanted. It hit me then how odd my family is. I am the youngest at 24, my brother the oldest at 27 (28 on the 28th!) and Erica somewhere in the middle. Only my brother came from another life to be back home. I haven’t seem him since my birthday (September) I realized not long ago. His life is just school right now, but he has his own place and isn’t running back home so often. My sister and I, well, we both live at home (but hey! only three days a week for me!). It doesn’t seem normal.

I had tried to going off and living on my own and I pretended I liked it and could do it. I couldn’t have been more realized when my dad told me I had to move back home. It is so safe at home, so easy to be in this same life. Yet it is time to stop and look at “this life.” While I love my family dearly and appreciated everything from and about them, it’s a sheltered life. I did okay for a good part of my life, I had a handful of friends I could call up and hang out with. When I got sick at 17, it all went away. Some stayed, and I am more than grateful for that. But of those, I only really talk to one of them, for no fault but my own. I want to build back those relationships, if I can. I did some decent damage to one.

I’ve lived in the Bay Area my whole life, and have not had many travels outside of it. I thought here could give me all I wanted, but I having looked back on 24 years, 3 months, and [almost] 13 days, it can’t give me what I want. When I bring this up in therapy (still a much needed part of my life) I am always told I need to get out there and do, life wont just happen for me. While, I’ve tried all the ways I can and still nothing. I think it is time to go.

2010 will bring me some travels. I have said this for a while, but I think it is time to do it for real, I cannot be scared anymore. It is what I need and have to do, and so be it that I have to do it alone. I’ve been so afraid to do it because it is out of the realm of my bubble world, and I’ve always been afraid to tell my parents I’m going to take a trip. I let them know of Chicago today, and they took it rather well I think. They don’t know it will most likely be a solo trip, but there’s still hope for me to get a friend by February. Seattle will be in April. Unplanned is New York (for Thea!!!), San Diego, and possibly Hawaii is I mend that friendship.

I’m also going to explore job options. I am not ready to go back to grad school. It finally hit me tonight. The fact that I cannot settle down to get what I need to together for it just lets me know I am not ready. I’m not mentally ready, and I am not going to push myself like I did before. I don’t have to take the path of Grad School, but that option will still be there for another year or two.

I am going to act like a 24 year old. I am not going to walk through life holding Mom and Dads hands... okay, I still will as I have quite a few issues that just don’t let me live an average life and I need their support. But, I am not going to let them tuck me in at night (only speaking figuratively as I go to bed by myself). I want to get a taste of the world.

Getting sick at 17 took a big swing at my life and knocked it all out of place. Instead of going about life like my peers, I spent my days at hospitals talking about deep issues and facing aspects of life that scared me senseless. I went from 17 to 27 and just kept going as I tried to repair my life. I went through college like an old married couple only I didn’t have a husband. No wild parties, no late nights with friends, no movie marathons. Just Sailer and myself mostly, Liz on the occasional weekend, Thea and a few others at school. Thea was someone who helped me stick it through college, though I never let her know. Her and a few professors. I had wanted to give up, but giving up is not an option in life.

After graduation I realized my life was nothing like I had thought it would be. It was the complete opposite. I didn’t feel 22, I didn’t feel like I was finished with college, I didn’t feel ready to go into the real world. I felt like I was 17. Having been knocked out of place at 17, I didn’t transition in a typical way. I skipped ahead and took care of my serious life. Now I just want to have fun. I want to go out and take long runs, ride my bike everywhere, go on picture taking trips, write my heart out all day. I am at the stage where I am ready to explore what the world has for me, and I need to do it beyond my bubble of the Bay Area. My dad always tells me that we are late bloomers (my brother found his life at 26/27), and I see it true for them. I not only bloom late, I bloom out of order.

to be addressed:

-albums of 2010

-the "Alex Guitar"

-more on travels?

-get my med story out of my head

my favorite drunk story...

...involves milk

ranting and no raving

I am simultaneuosly baking cookies, making dinner, and now typing here every few minutes only because i cannot stand the thoughts in my head any longer. The mum here is home, but is staying in bed as she is not feeling well. neither am i. and now i have to run upstairs and see who it is that is jumping so very hard, making the ceiling shake and the lights flicker.

The wee one, of course.

Well, I am only to blame for having so much going on. It took me 40 minutes to make the cookie dough, woops. A live chat is to blame, which I enjoyed and will have to do more often.

Ew, it is time to do the chicken...

I am not a great multitasker. I go to do something and am distracted by another and start to do that and completely forget about the other. That's why this is all taking so long. But at least I'm really cooking. I just hadn't been feeling like doing much with cooking and it made me feel so bad as I kept making such basic dishes. Now, I've been bitten by the cooking bug yet again, which is odd cause I never eat what I make.

I haven't been feeling much like eating lately. It started when I got sick right before Thanksgiving, and has just gone on, because of my teeth, being sick some more, and just... because. Which is not good. My teeth, well, I lost a filling some months ago yet I wasn't bothered by it and so didn't bother with the dentist, which is a really stressful place for me to go. A week after my 24th birthday, a birthday when I lost my dental insurance, the tooth hurt like a motherfucker. It was the worst pain, down into my jaw. I was at the point of calling the dentist when the pain went away and thus i avoided it again. The pain has been coming and going; when it is here, it is just so bad, and now more teeth on that side have begun to hurt. And I can only chew on my right side, and I have limited foods that I can even chew period.

My teeth, that's how my eating disorder first took a serious turn for the worst. I had gotten my wisdom teeth out , and was very restricted in the foods I could eat. I had chocolate pudding, instant breakfast drinks, and a milkshake. My sister had gotten me a vanilla milkshake from MaggieMoos - the same I had gotten for her when she had her w-teeth out. I only had a little at a time. A few spoonfulls at first, and then I put it in the freezer. I choose specific times I could have a few more spoonfuls, and would stare at the clock when it neared that time. I didn't finish the milkshake even; when I knew no one was around I dumped some down the sink. This was the first neurotic food behavior I had, and my whole food regimen soon followed in suit.

I learned years later that this was when my mum first noticed I had eating problems. I had no clue at the time what was going on, I only have recalled all this recently and how it related to the disaster that soon followed.

That is not what's happening now, just my teeth brought that back to memory. Oh how I hate the dentist, but I do need to go. I first need to sign up for dental insurance. I also have a misaligned jaw that causes pain and problems that I need to see a specialist for (that I have neglected to do thus far). I might as well take care of all at once, eh.

Dinner went by fine, the boys were out of control afterward, took forever to get them in the bath, had to get out due to unnesesary and loud screaming, and read to them for a while until sleep. I also took care of all the dishes some where in there and packed away the cookies and cleaned up.

In bed now and very tired. Time for some tele and sleeeeeeeeep.

Disappear

Motion City Soundtrack - "Disappear"

Motion City Soundtrack | MySpace Music Videos

I was already looking forward to the new Motion City Soundtrack album, which I have preordered, that is out 19 January 2010. This video and song release makes me look forward to it even more. Going to be a good one, yes for sure.

Haircut 100

The December issue of AP Mag featured an article titles "Haircut 100, counting down a decade of the scene's best singles." (the scene=indie and punk rock.) I had a good time reading through the list and being brought back to some of the songs I had forgotten about and the songs I have listened to in the past week. Now, I could detour off into what music means to me, but the point here is about this article. Now, Joe made me think to do this as he did a review of The Times 100 best pop albums of the noughties and what he has and such. So, full credit here goes to Joe for getting me to do this :)

98. Death Cab For Cutie "Soul Meets Body" I've seen Death Cab so many times and I never tire of a show. Death Cab is the reason Jeremy and I had become good pals :)

96. Death Cab For Cutie "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" Both "Soul Meets Body" and this single are form their 2005 Atlantic release Plans which gave them more airplay and thus more popularity. While I will not deny that this albums and the ones to follow are good, it's a different sound than their earlier recordings. Which happens in music and with bands, no denying that, it just seems like two different bands sometimes.

93. Weezer "Island In The Sun" Weezer is just so very likeable if one is into this genre of music (the broad label of alternative). They have gone a bit looney, in my opinion and some others at least, lately but still put out good music.

92. Something Corporate "Punk Rock Princess" I love Andrew McMahon, a rarity to make a piano rock onstage and also have such a stage presence.

85. Jimmy Eat World "A Praise Chrous" It's Jims voice that really makes this band work, they're always something different to me, have not fallen pray to the highly digitalized music that is out. Lyrics: Are you gonna live your life wondering, standing in the back looking around?

84. Saves The Day "Freakish" There is so much to say about STD, yet I just can't place it right. If I needed a soundtrack for my highschool life, Saves The Day would fit the bill. They were such an important band to me, and I still enjoy them though mostly their older tunes.

83. Blink-182 "Adam's Song" I was blink-182 obsessed for years, just fyi ;) "Adam's Song" is about a friends suicide and certainly brings out emotion in me when listening. It's also a stark turn from blink-182's regular songs and their incredible potty mouths, yet it works in just fine.

76. Death Cab For Cutie "The New Year" This song is incredible, lyrically and musically. I've many times repeated this song again and again. And I like to use it at the turn of the New Year whenever a quote is needed, so look out for it (again, for some of you!)

73. Hot Hot Heat "Bandage" This is one that can get caught in my head, and just has having read and written this down.

71. Motion City Soundtrack "Everything is Alright" I took Astronomy in Junior College, and my lab partner was this cool high school guy who recommended MCS to me. Spot on, I've been hooked on them for a while.

70. Death Cab For Cutie "The Sound of Settling" Yeah... I like it. Death Cab is obviously a rather popular, excellent song producing band.

69. Fall Out Boy "Dance, Dance" Catchy song, and I like it. Not my favorite band ever, but they are good.

68. All American Reject "Dirty Little Secret" I go through stages of liking AAR and not liking them; whatever stage I am in, they do have good songs. Not great, but good and enjoyable to listen to.

67. Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" I used to be big into the local music scene and Plain White T's used to play around here a lot. Ironically, as they got label deals and mass released cds and air play, I wasn't really listening to them. I didn't hear this song until about a year ago (song release was 2006). Odd.

65. Bright Eyes "Lover I Don't Have To Love" Conor Oberst is just incredible, plain and simple. His m usic truly moves me, makes me think. He has such a large amount of talent.

57. Cobra Starship "Snakes On A Plane (Bring It)" Cobra is fun music, and they guys (and one gal) are fun. I got into Cobra through them being friends and/or touring with other bands I like. It took me an embarassing long time to realize the Gabe from the band was from Midtown, a band I like in high school.

51. Dashboard Confessional "Hands Down" This song makes me want to fall in love again (and keep this love going, yes). I wouldn't mind falling in love with Chris, which happens with any song I hear of his!

48. Blink-182 "The Rock Show" Love <3>

44. Motion City Soundtrack "The Future Freaks Me Out" I love the way Justin sings.

43. The Shins "New Slang" Used in the movie Garden State as a song that will change your life.

41. The Postal Service "The District Sleeps Tonight" Postal Service is a side project of some Death Cabbers (Ben is vocals on both). Raw vocals and electronic beats. I sometimes am annoyed by all the very pronounced breaths in before verses.

38. Saves The Day "Shoulder To The Wheel" From their album Through Being Cool, which itself could be my soundtrack for high school. I still have a crayon drawn beach scene with a flamingo from my friend Alex in the case, which I had only put in there for safe keeping that day.

37. Panic! At The Disco "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" One of my top favorite bands, though they have split in two (the non P!ATD members are now The Young Veins) and are pursing a different type of music. They used to put on quite the show, in costume and make up with Vegas esque show going on onstage (could be from some Las Vegas place as that is where the band is from).

36. Phantom Planet "California" I fell in love with PP after seeing (and falling in love with) Alex in a Gap comercial, with the "Mellow Yellow" song singing by a whole cast of characters. My heart melted everytime and was deeply saddened when the commercial finished it's course. "California" is the theme song for "The O.C." a show I love - if you have not seem it, talk to me as I own the series!

26. New Found Glory "Hit or Miss" I remeber when they were A New Found Glory, had a friend who was friends with these guys, regularly hung out with Jordan and Cyrus. Though not much a fan anymore as they've gone too punk for me :p I still listen to what I have of theirs.

25. All American Reject "Move Along" A less poppy song than usual, which is great. Love the video too.

19. All American Rejects "Swing, Swing" This song got them onto the airwaves and into many peoples homes.

15. Saves The Day "At Your Funeral" Give it a listen, and them some more STD songs if you desire. I can't think how to describe what this song is too me.

14. Brand New "Jude Law and a Semester Abroad" Have neither heard this band nor single, but after reading the snipet I want to! They are on my list for the record store.

12. Jimmy Eat World "Bleed American" It's hard to say so much about a band, sorry!

11. Blink-182 "All The Small Things" Fn good video, hard song not to like.

10. Thursday "Understanding In a Car Crash" Please give this a listen and just reflect on it. Passionate, powful song that will leave something with you.

9. Jimmy Eat World "The Middle" They're good!

7. Dashboard Confessional "Screaming Infidelities" I listen to Dashboard every week, the voice has become something I sometimes needs, his love and heart ache songs soothe my soul at just the right time.

6. The Postal Service "Such Great Height" Postal Service makes me think of Jeremy musically as a band of his sounds similar to The Postal Service.

4. Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" My favorite part of the band is Pete Wentz.

3. Jimmy Eat World "Sweetness" Thinking they're worth a listen, yes? They are. I wont mind having to share them ;)

1. At The Drive-In "One Armed Scissor" I like them, but not love them. Great musicians.

ruminating

my thoughts keep swirling and twirling around about how nothing looks right, nothing on my body is right. every part had too much on it, and it no longer looks good. it can't look good. it is no long just straight and narrow; my limbs taper from little up. the bones and ligaments once so clearly defined are softly shown. it does look rather elegant, but the feeling it awful. these thoughts have began to creep back up in my mind, i didn't even realize it. but ive spent days now just focusing on all the wrong parts and being ever so frustrated at how slow change can take, or even if the change is being taken. for my eyes just keep seeing all the extra, no matter what amount it's in. extra is extra.

it's over! (for me at least.)

The holiday of feast is not to be faced for another year for me. the rest of my family is still looking forward to the pumpkin pie i made, of which i have to whip the cream for them after this post. i am one for holidays, but this one does not suit me. it had turned it's meaning into an all out feast, such a break from what it really was. and what it really was wasn't all that pleasant either; as the pilgrims made their home here, they drove away and killed off the native americans. well, us here in america today like to forget that true past and focus just on the feast part they had, i can give us some credit i suppose in focusing on the time where the pilgrims and native americans made good with each other. but really, how many of the people here today focus on that? not many, maybe some with such a meaning driven mind as mine do. everyone just likes the food. that's all anyone talks about, and that's what most of the informations about today is for.

the holiday itself isn't as anxiety provoking as it could be. we have really low key holidays as the family is just my mum, dad, brother, sister, and myself. the other family that we used to share holidays with have died, oh but one moved away. what i dont like is the focus on food all day, the stress around timing all the dishes correctly, making sure we have everything and everything is done right, only to sit and eat for merely a fraction of the time spent cooking. i dont feast out either, so that's not an issue either. im now aloud to just have what i want. it used to be that there's be a big argument over the portions i was giving and scales were often involved to make sure i was getting enough. i made the vegetables and stuffing and that is what i ate. i would have had a bit of turkey but butter was placed on it so it was a no go. after i made this known, my mum remarked "that's just sad, very sad." but i am okay going a life without butter! and i didn't even mind not having turkey, not really my thing anymore. ive been backing off of meat lately.

MY LOVELY CHAP

my dad noticed during dinner that my ring was on my right finger, and commented on it. i happened to hang out with him the day i got it, and i was switching it between right and left ring fingers, as it didnt feel quite right on the right finger, but felt lovely on the left (a sign perhaps? i made out through the meaning*).

"i am, it finally feel right on this finger." i said. then i explained to my mum and sister, "dad didn't like me wearing it on my left finger."

"i kept on thinking you were married," he noted.

"yeah... i secretly got married." i said in a way between being serious and joking.

my mum mumbled something as i said, "he's quite the lovely chap."

it took me a while to get her to clarify her mumbles. it turned out to be something along the lines of "like you have time!"

i defended myself: "I have time on the weekends! and in the morning!"

"like you get up early."

"on the week days, after i drop off the boys."

"like when you go for a run, then go home and shower, and go to pick up the boys," my dad cleverly pointed out.

"true. i go get charlie and we then meet my lovely chap for lunch. charlie loves to go out!."

i was making it all possible for me to have this lovely chap. if only he were real, and i could have valid ways to prove it besides a ring i bought for myself.

later i realized another time we could be together. "well, just maybe my lovely chap goes on my runs with me."

"except the time i saw you," my dad said.

"i had sprinted ahead of him that day," i made up on the spot, although it couldn't hold true as i told my dad i was taking it easy that day due to an injured shin.

"or just maybe he was off walking the dogs!" i pointed out that grand possibility. this day has been filled with plenty of dog talk, so that was the perfect end to my defense of having this lovely chap, who will hopefully one day exist.

*a line from a jacks mannequin song "every scene was a sign, we made out through the/their (?) meaning)

p.s. a horray as i've just figured out how to fix the text and make it block! my life is back in order.

Max, who is really Peter

I was pushed his way to let him know someone thought he was cute. I didn't have much choice but to say something to him as he noticed my swift approach over. The seat next to him, to my good fortune, was empty so I took a seat. I leaned over and said "I was sent to let you know someone thinks you are cute." I smiled, and raised my eyebrows in curiousity as I took a sip of my drink (a "Big Ass Margarita" by the way).
I got him interested, and we started talking. Being as it was halloween, costumes were up first. He asked if I knew who he was. Of course I did. "You are Max, from Where The Wild Things Are. I have a doll of him on my desk." He had just seen the movie and thought it a good idea for a costume, especially as his friend was having an animal costume party the following week. He was using halloween as a test run for his costume.
"Im a detective." I pointed out the obvious. He was impressed by the homemade cape (his costume was homemade also, and well done at that). He commented on my magnafying glass, and how heavy it must be. I handed it to him to see for yourself, and said I hadn't noticed as I've been holding it for quite some time.
Tattoos came up next, as he took hold of my wrist after he saw the birds. He softly ran his fingers over them. "They're new," he noted. "Yes. I got them yesterday." After asking if I had more, I showed him Pirate Guy on my foot, which he was smitten with, and again ran his fingers softly over. I flashed the back of my left arm to show the stars next, saying those were my first. He had always wanted a tattoo, and had a plan to get one but it had fell through.
The noise of this bar/club requires you to get close to the person you are talking to. As we talked, we moved closer to each other. One of my legs was on his stool, he hands resting on my legs. We started to lean more into each other as we talked, pausing to look at the others face. I was talking about something, who knows what actually, and I paused to look at his face. I noticed then how close our faces were, and whatever it was that I was saying ended there, as that inch of space decreased until we were lip to lip.

im not sure?

i heard something helpful this morning, that just hit me tonight, at 7.57 pm. this morning i had therapy, and, of course, we were talking. we were talking about sleep, as my sleep is not good - i cannot stay asleep and when i awake i do not always do the best of things. so my dr was talking about others who have trouble at night with bad behaviors don't take the time for self care. I brought up how i did do self care in the evening, that i had a routine. but, oh, i realized, this was a routine i had to do and if i didn't do it correctly, that the night would be horrible, terrible, and so i had to restart and do it properly. it had started with good intentions though, i made the point.
then she said, I'm sure it did, you just have a predisposition to becomes obsessive about some things (paraphrased there for sure). that's the kicker, that is what just become so helpful to me in my mind. i have an organized mess on my floor right now, as i decided i neededd to reorganize the two baskets of the bottom of my cubby unit. i was putting some medicine into my "treasure" chest and I heard my sister leave her room, and it hit and i felt a wave of okay-ness sweep over me. my sister is important here because i need to go have a talk to her about something else that came up in therapy. about going out to dinner and not ordering simple food, having to order something that involves cooking and to see if she'd be willing to do it with me so when the day comes that i am at a place with a lovely somebody and there is no simple food, i can order something and be okay and have an enjoyable evening.
i'm not sure why now the statement my dr made this morning became so helpful, so important. i was hoping i could capture that okay-ness and be able to hold onto it. but it is gone.




i am in the process of applying to grad school. i'm really starting to freak out, for a multitude of reasons; i haven't signed up for my second exam, i haven't contacted the third professor for my recommendations nor do i have his contact information, i have barely started my personal statements, i keep forgetting to get transcripts from DVC, i have barely started the applications, more i am sure. mostly i am freaking out that i wont be able to make it through. i get this realization while i am going about my day and stumble upon some "quirk of mine" (it's actually a psychological disadvantage of mine), like when i'm running and one shoe heel grazes my ankle and i have to make the other heel graze the other ankle, or how if i have an itch on one side and scratch it, i have to scratch the other side, or how i cannot keep up with bills i have to pay or updating my medical coverage, or keeping track of my purchases and how much money i have - i just freely spend. how am i do excel in graduate school? i didn't do as well as i could have my senior year of college because my life was beginning to unravel yet i chose to ignore all the signs and keep pushing myself just so i could finish. looking back, i wish i would have taken medical leave and get things in order instead of burying myself further. if one year away at school (my first two were taken easy at home), how do i expect to do more in a school further away for all three-four years, more for my doctorate?! i wish my clarity i had the day i decided to go for grad school finally could come back so i could just get done what needs to be done and try it out!




hmm.

halloween

The Lifeguards

We were on the dance floor of the Knock Out, moving along to the 60's rock music playing, when I spotted the two lifeguards at the bar (aka two guys dressed as lifeguards). I walked over to them and tapped one on the shoulder. He turned, and I shared the emergency:

"Lifeguard! Can you help! My sister has been bitten by a shark!"

(Erica's costume was a shark attack victim, complete with the shark still attached)

He acted concerned and blew his whistle as he walked over.

"How is she?" I voiced my concern.

"It doesn't look good. He got some vital organs."

"Oh, well, she seems alive and the shark dead."

"She's still dancing, but she wont make it."

I was then sure to comment on how lovely his trunks were - they were the short kind that I love, and apparently some fancy brand and he showed them off. His friends were cool too. And while finally bringing up his friend, he just stood aside during this mostly.

He said he'd come back and check her vitals later but there was not much he could do - he had no gauze.

(I hear he did check back during the night.)

Max, who is really Peter

I was going to share this story, but, well... not now?

moving on?

the drive I had to take to my GRE test took me on a stretch of highway that passes such a memory weighed place for me. I rarely drive this way, yet every time I do, I get an unexplainable feeling. I'm not sure which exit exactly to take, nor where the roads are to take me there, but nestled off this stretch is where I was hospitalized for many weeks when I was 17.

this past Friday as I drove passed, my mind sparked with reflection. Here I was on my way to a monumental test, one that will help me along in my academic career, a path not many people get a chance to take. As I went passed, I could remember the emaciated 17 me in that hospital. Her, contrasted against me - I wasn't sure how to feel. I couldn't decide which me was happier. I was happier in a different way back then, and I couldn't imagine me being this kind of content (can't say I'm happy!) at a triple digit weight. Not many people had much faith in me after that hospitalization. I was released earlier than they had wanted, and dropped the weight not long after, then some more.

I knew nothing but to keep going. The life I knew to lead was high school, college, graduate school. I hadn't imagined another option. Though when I graduated college, I was in a dark place. I knew I couldn't go on with school, yet had nothing else to do. I was working, taking care of two boys for a family I have become really close to, but no matter how much I love them, it's not what I wanted to do forever.

Slowly this summer, after going back on meds and getting them right, I began to remember what I wanted my life to be like. One day, I decided I needed to take the GRE finally and get my butt back in school.

As the days went on, my nose deep in a GRE study book, my brain so confused, more of me began coming back. I got back into old interests, hobbies, ideas. My thinking changed - I was becoming more of who I had been becoming so long ago, just a more refined version. I have been shaped by what I've been through and who I used to be, all the many people I tried out with one Lindsay at the core. I know I have come a long way from the girl in the hospital, physically and mentally, though I also don't feel I have come that far. I still have a lot of work to do, and not really in a moving forward direction. I have to present myself as forever going forward and moving on, but there is a strong part of me that wants a lot back. I hate some of this me, hate some of the old me. I'm just hoping there is a middle ground and I can find it soon.

the never ending thought

Keith gave a maybe for the plans to go to "Hipster Heaven" Friday (if we do go, maybe ill try to commit the real name to memory!). Having the topic fresh between us, Keith asked

Did that guy ever call?

Not yet was all my answer could be. I hadn't given it to much thought, as the giving of my number went with no guidelines. Yet Keith having asked, my mind began spinning; should he have called by now? if a guy asks for your number, is that implying a guaranteed call? did i do something that made him change his mind, made him regret getting my number? uh, what was it he said about a party? Often my brain just latches onto a topic and runs with it. During this, other thoughts get tangled back in, stories get intertwined. I began to analyze past boys, telling the story in my head as if someone was actually listening - and interested. I realized I hadn't actually ever just given a guy my number (note: i didn't just give Friday guy my number, this was after dancing, talking, sharing a drink and such, then he asked for it), so the newness of the situation is what is driving me crazy. I will just have to deal with this unease in my stomach until either a. he calls or b. there becomes a new guy. though a is my preferred option!

In situations like these, where I am involved with another party, I used to harshly criticize every part of it immediately after. When I had met TAI..., there was no criticising - I just felt so good, I had actually done it, and done it well in my book. After Friday's events, I did not see any faults right away, I was too caught up in how refreshing it felt, amazed I had actually enjoyed something - dare I say have fun? Not until today, Wednesday, did I find some faults in my actions - mostly just some conversation I ought to have said. Years of training and my brain is finally learning to detect the good.

Not saying this happens all the time, I am still so very critical. During a run I am correcting myself as I go - need to pick up my feet more, widen my stride, straighten my arms. Afterwards, seeing the distance, time, and average pace, I can only think of the little bit more I could have done to increase the distance and time, and that I could have achieved a faster pace. I do not reflect on how good I feel afterwards or reflecting on the mere fact that I can actually run again! This harsh self criticism is also part of what keeps me so closed up. I am afraid of saying the right think, afraid my voice will sound funny, worried over how many words I will stumble over. This is not the only reason I am so closed in, but they are the thoughts that creep up when facing a social situation. Luckily, alcohol is a wonderful cure for this, it puts the criticism to sleep and corrects whatever chemical imbalance in my head that goes on to make me such the way. It certainly is not an everyday option though.

So this has swirled my thoughts up so much I forgot where I was headed.

I am riddled with nerves at the moment, as I take my Graduate Record Exam Friday, and then I have a month to complete and gather all the materials needed for grad school applications, at least seven schools. How did I get so skilled at putting things off?!

being 24

I had high hopes for my 20's: I envisioned myself with a handful of friends, calls every night inviting me out, a gorgeous boyfriend and myself a killer body, excelling in school and advancing on to a career. All there is to say to t his younger version of myself with these high hopes is "I'm sorry."

My twenties started out very lonely as I was still trying to being alive. I had a few friends and the gorgeous guys, yet calls were few and far between and I didn't hang out every night.

Twenty-one I went off to school, where I thought I'd acquire new friends and my life would pick up. I did make a few class friends, but every night placed me in my room with Sailer, driving myself crazy over school work and every little thing that was out of place. I did have some fun when I moved in with Jessica!

Twenty-two, drunk off my ass on my birthday, saying who knows what and doing who knows what with a certain someone. My life really started changing, and not exactly for the better.

Though some better, as a school friend became a true friend - Thea.

Twenty-three hit hard, and I began unravelling, again.

Now... twenty-four. The day was 12 September 2009. I had high hopes going into this day. 24 - 2+4=6, a safe number for me.

Approaching the birthday, I started seeing some changes. I considered going out for dinners with my family, I was trying to be more active, more insightful in therapy, I tuned into what I wanted.

One month and eight days into being 24 and I am slightly amazed. The Lindsay inside of me is really back into a true love - running. I am being more creative, I am more energetic. There are things I want to do and those that I don't mind doing. I have been out with my family - both families (the other being my work family!). I have eaten cake, and a cupcake just tonight. I finally mustered up the courage and signed up for a The Academy Is... meet and greet and had an amazing time and was able to truly talk and feel okay about it.

Best of all, I've experienced what my life as a twenty year old was supposed to be. Nights out at a club/bar, having drinks after drinks after drinks, dancing with whoever a friend pushed over to me. My name went into a lovely guys cell phone as "Lindsay From Bar," which if he calls I need to let him know the from bar part can be taken away!

And so... here's life, this is what it is. I am still my biggest critic, that voice has not gone away. The change is that my true self is popping up more, I am just letting myself be. I can finally take a breath, look with clarity, and realize this is me.

painful day

im trying something new with my dinner: fruit salsa; it's a mango and pineapple fresh salsa from whole foods. I've never had a fruit salsa, but on my shopping trip i saw it and looked good, so i got a small tub. i also got a bigger tub of the tradition type salsa they make. fresh salsa=the best. im using it on a salad, got a bit of heat!

i woke up this morning feeling not so great, a wee bit sore, and with a crick in my neck. i took it slowly, sat around a bit and then stretched some before going on a walk with my dad. since last weekend, ive been doing a short run at the end. i was almost home, on a downhill, when i take a fall. i skinned my shoulder, got some not leaked blood on my knee along with bruising, a cut up hand, a banged hip bone, and a bruise with swelling on my cheek bone from my sunnies. Ouch. I got up and made sure I could balance and take a few steps before running the rest of the way. 

Later I am helping my dad unload the car of cat food and i hit my head on a door. 

I am then later in the garage getting some pool toys out for the boys, plus some outdoor toys, and am walking back in and i swing my foot by a bit plate of broken glass and slice my baby toe. It got rather bloody, I swung some blood around the garage while walking to the door, then get in the kitchen and stand, unable to move really nor wanting to move, and call to my dad for help, all the while while blood is pool between my foot and sandal. My dad got my some towel and I hobbled to a chair to sit and apply pressure. I was unsure if it'd need stiches or not, just waiting to see if the bleeding subsided or not, when my sister walks in - she has some degrees in sports medicine and kinesiology and such, so she knows about it. No stitched needed, just some butter fly tape. Whew. 

I am in pain still, hours later, fairly tired, and was not quite "in it" all day. Being injured sure can take a lot out of someone. I did go out a bit today, to help my bestie set up the iPod I got her for her birthday, then to the small to get some last minute things she needed (she's visiting a friend in Oregon starting tomorrow). 

I"m pretty much done for the day, finishing up my dinner (yeah, I have to be busy while eating) then watching a good bit of One Tree Hill, season 3. 

Tomorrow is my dads birthday and I am going to make Tiramisu cupcakes! His favorite dessert is tiramisu and, well, I've been wanting to make cupcakes. I am also giving him a subscription to a magazine... Road and something, fancy and fast cars. 

busier than a bee

this was a draft i had saved from 18 july:

as my dad and i were passing the lake on our walk this morning, there were some kids on the other side messing about. as i was looking over, i noticed a rope swing - i had never known it was there. it was the sight of that and the kids that sent my thoughts off to my life, and how void it is of everything. i dont have much going for me. i have graduated college, sure, but have yet to made any progress for after that. i have a friend - granted, she is the best friend but still only a friend. i do have another friend, but we hardly ever get to see each other which is a major bummer. i dont do much besdies work. i look forward to coming home just to be alone. i chill in my room and watch the tele, clean and organize, and do errands. right now my excitement is coming home to my two dvds of One Tree Hill. I'd rather watch that than do anything of my own. I live in the lives of these shows, they are the life I always thought I'd have. I dont know how i ended up so alone, so void of zest for life, so stuck in my own misery. I feel like a waste. When people get pregnant, they never know who will turn up, they just only hope for the best. It's a gamble, and unfortunately my parents lost it with me. And they have to be reminded of it all the time, especially the three days when I mope around the house. My dad asked me on our walk if i had any plans for the day - i just shrugged in all my nopeness. My dad responded that I need to get myself out more - I just threw my hands up, not knowing what to say. 

Those feelings stayed with me, but they no longer really ring true. 

That following weekend, still feeling rather drab, I excepted an invitation to go out with my best friend and the kids she was watching. She was spending the night with them, and something she does on those occasions is take them out. This night they were going to a pizza place that has some arcade games and quarter machines - they kids love to go there. I had a blast! The kids are great also, I hadn't been with them in a couple years and they have quite thei own personalities now. They took the same liking to me as I did to them. After pizza I went back home with them to do the greatest thing ever - jump on the huge trampoline! I have always loved them, yet hadn't been on one in years. I had told the kids that "I always have time for trampoline" and they haven't forgotten that one!

The following weekend my friend was getting married (on 1 Aug) and I was to be a bridesmaid. So the day after the kiddy fun started the madness of the last minute get together of everything for the wedding. The biggest deal was I tried my shoes on and they no longer fit! Despite searching an entire outdoor shopping mall with the boys, I came out empty handed and ordered some online with a rush. Thursday was the wedding rehersal, Friday i had a hair appt followed by the girls night out at Fisherman's Wharf. I met them while they were dining and I had myself a Lemon Drop, and we then went to the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum. Then the big day!

The wedding was beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I had all my fears, worries, anxieties, and very negative talk going, but I was able to just tell it to shove off as this was for Thea and it meant a lot to her for me to be there, and it meant a lot to me to be there for her! And I did it, and actually had a good time, was able to talk and eat and had some cake as promised to Thea, woot. I really just hit all my bad talk to myself out of the park - the belief that I can't go out and have a good time and dress up and feel okay because of my perception of my body, well it turns out it's a bit rubbish. Yes those beliefs do still stop me and will continue to stop me for a while, but they aren't as powerful anymore as I totally proved them wrong. To top of the blast of the wedding. I went out afterwards with my best friend (who was my guest) with an old professor of mine who was at the wedding. We went to a near by bar and drank and chatted for quite a while. And I did that in the fanciest of dress. So take that you ruddy critic! 

So, if that wasn't enough, there's more!

I have a hard time just hanging out with people, even my bestie, if there aren't really plans in place. I have been having a hard time just letting myself hang out and around - even just by myself. I had gone out with my bestie on Friday and she invited me to hang out with her at the house she was housesitting at which is home to four dogs (only two were there), two cats, two chickens, one rooster, one tortoise, and some fish. The pull in was to watch the tortoise get a bath (just let it roam around in a some water), and I said okay, just for a bit so I could get home to watch Monk and Psych. I was then invited to watch them there with her. I did, and I was okay. For the first time in many many many months I sat on a couch for two hours to watch television, and I was okay. Who'da thought?!

The next day I went to Chuck E Cheeze with the bestie and the same kids form before (one had a bday party and the other two, bestie, and I did our own thing there. That place is crazy and loud and crowded. The Jungle, I hear, is better, so I am for sure invited to their next outing of the Jungle. CEC was followed by some trampoline :) And so was before the wedding, the bestie was babysitting for them and the girl invited me over and I could not say no to trampoline as I always have time for it!

Sunday was for me, and I spent it running about, trying to do errands quickly as I had milk in the car. I started with my grocery shopping because none of the other stops were really planned, and the day was one of the hottest! My milk survived though, thanks to some good AC. 

I"m beat, more for later. 

bo do dum

I am pictureless at the moment, though I do wish I had the pic of my suit tan on my comp! It's something alright, I will have to work on that. 

Day two of the work week. Yesterday the boys and I saw "Ice Age 3" in 3D - I enjoyed it :) I can't remember if I've seen the first one and know I didn't see the second, but whatever. I'll work on seeing those, love animated/cartoony movies, for sure a kid at heart. 

And today was the pool, of course. Tues-Thurs try to hit it if possible. I"m really working on getting the boys to swim (they are 7.5 and 3.5) It's a bit distessing for me to not have them swimming as I used to be a swim instructor! They are so hesitant and uncomfortable with their heads in the water. They have made great progress though, I will say. It's also hard to be so focused on swimming at a pool during open swim (I almost said at a public pool for the description, but it's a private swim club). Well, all I can do is keep working with them as little I can and just go with this slow progress. 

Was a little sick over the weekend + yesterday - extreme nausea, all over aches/pain, and a fever. Oi. Luckily feelin a bit better today, despite the massive heat. 

My mind has wondered... 

spilling some thoughts...

This may be slightly scattered, but that is how my head is; full of thoughts that never finish. I wanted to just write down and share what I could. 

I bought what?!?

So I had to do me some grocery shopping today, and it didn't go so well, I just wasn't feeling to great today. On top of that I have to add to what I've been eating but hadn't really given it much thought, so it just added more anxiety as I was trying to figure out my new eating plan. Well, I had been spotting this certain nut mix for a couple weeks, yet never bought it. See, I have this rule that everything has to be as simple as possible. The ingredients for "nuts" ought to just be the nut, no added oil or salt or sugars or what not. Just the nut. These landed in my cart today:

Those ingredients certainly list more than just the nuts!

I stepped outside that little comfort zone and had them. They weren't bad either! I had them tonight, on the day I bought them - they didn't sit around in the cabinet for a week or so. 

Build up to the letdown

The boys and I have been going to the pool a lot recently, we went three days this week (out of the four I'm with them, and the pool is closed on Monday). Well, there's been a bit of guy eye candy for me there lately! Yesterday, for some reason unknown to me, I found myself smiling at said guys with smiles in return, and kind of talked to one - he's a lifeguard and asked the boys names as he had forgotten but recognized them from last year. Well, I introdcued myself also and said a bit about the boys. Eh, baby steps. Well, that left me feeling good, the day as a whole not just the kind of sorta convo. Well, on my drive home after I was let off from work I was listening to The Postal Service. I had started them in the car with the boys (C dug them!!), but being alone and listening to them was different. I got really sad - well more of a sinking pit kind of sad. They make me think a lot of a boy, a boy I truly cared for and messed things up due to being sick. He's gone and that's that, but he's forever in my mind. For the first time in a really long time, I actually missed a relationship. I have been isolating myself so much and it felt okay, it felt like what I wanted and needed and was just going to be. But those memories of not only him but all the others just made me miss it, made me miss that person I was. I woke up this morning with such an odd feeling, a longing for a guy to cuddle up next to and kiss. I havent wanted that, and now I need it. 

Summertime Treat

My sister bought these cute as hell molds for making ice cream sandwiches and I of course couldn't help but making them for her! I made them using the blonde cookie recipe and cheesecake ice cream from a great shop near by. Everyone seems to have enjoyed them very much, I ought to make more soon!

Incase of thought...

I am amused by this, my purse consists of four note pads and four pens! Yet I still never manage to write down most of what I need to. 

And oh yeah! I am due in for some baking soon! Probably next weekend - oh no it has to be this weekend as my parents will be going out of town. I bought some cookies today at Whole Foods, but with their yumminess factor and my sister over, I can get away with cookies this weekend.