Haircut 100

The December issue of AP Mag featured an article titles "Haircut 100, counting down a decade of the scene's best singles." (the scene=indie and punk rock.) I had a good time reading through the list and being brought back to some of the songs I had forgotten about and the songs I have listened to in the past week. Now, I could detour off into what music means to me, but the point here is about this article. Now, Joe made me think to do this as he did a review of The Times 100 best pop albums of the noughties and what he has and such. So, full credit here goes to Joe for getting me to do this :)

98. Death Cab For Cutie "Soul Meets Body" I've seen Death Cab so many times and I never tire of a show. Death Cab is the reason Jeremy and I had become good pals :)

96. Death Cab For Cutie "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" Both "Soul Meets Body" and this single are form their 2005 Atlantic release Plans which gave them more airplay and thus more popularity. While I will not deny that this albums and the ones to follow are good, it's a different sound than their earlier recordings. Which happens in music and with bands, no denying that, it just seems like two different bands sometimes.

93. Weezer "Island In The Sun" Weezer is just so very likeable if one is into this genre of music (the broad label of alternative). They have gone a bit looney, in my opinion and some others at least, lately but still put out good music.

92. Something Corporate "Punk Rock Princess" I love Andrew McMahon, a rarity to make a piano rock onstage and also have such a stage presence.

85. Jimmy Eat World "A Praise Chrous" It's Jims voice that really makes this band work, they're always something different to me, have not fallen pray to the highly digitalized music that is out. Lyrics: Are you gonna live your life wondering, standing in the back looking around?

84. Saves The Day "Freakish" There is so much to say about STD, yet I just can't place it right. If I needed a soundtrack for my highschool life, Saves The Day would fit the bill. They were such an important band to me, and I still enjoy them though mostly their older tunes.

83. Blink-182 "Adam's Song" I was blink-182 obsessed for years, just fyi ;) "Adam's Song" is about a friends suicide and certainly brings out emotion in me when listening. It's also a stark turn from blink-182's regular songs and their incredible potty mouths, yet it works in just fine.

76. Death Cab For Cutie "The New Year" This song is incredible, lyrically and musically. I've many times repeated this song again and again. And I like to use it at the turn of the New Year whenever a quote is needed, so look out for it (again, for some of you!)

73. Hot Hot Heat "Bandage" This is one that can get caught in my head, and just has having read and written this down.

71. Motion City Soundtrack "Everything is Alright" I took Astronomy in Junior College, and my lab partner was this cool high school guy who recommended MCS to me. Spot on, I've been hooked on them for a while.

70. Death Cab For Cutie "The Sound of Settling" Yeah... I like it. Death Cab is obviously a rather popular, excellent song producing band.

69. Fall Out Boy "Dance, Dance" Catchy song, and I like it. Not my favorite band ever, but they are good.

68. All American Reject "Dirty Little Secret" I go through stages of liking AAR and not liking them; whatever stage I am in, they do have good songs. Not great, but good and enjoyable to listen to.

67. Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" I used to be big into the local music scene and Plain White T's used to play around here a lot. Ironically, as they got label deals and mass released cds and air play, I wasn't really listening to them. I didn't hear this song until about a year ago (song release was 2006). Odd.

65. Bright Eyes "Lover I Don't Have To Love" Conor Oberst is just incredible, plain and simple. His m usic truly moves me, makes me think. He has such a large amount of talent.

57. Cobra Starship "Snakes On A Plane (Bring It)" Cobra is fun music, and they guys (and one gal) are fun. I got into Cobra through them being friends and/or touring with other bands I like. It took me an embarassing long time to realize the Gabe from the band was from Midtown, a band I like in high school.

51. Dashboard Confessional "Hands Down" This song makes me want to fall in love again (and keep this love going, yes). I wouldn't mind falling in love with Chris, which happens with any song I hear of his!

48. Blink-182 "The Rock Show" Love <3>

44. Motion City Soundtrack "The Future Freaks Me Out" I love the way Justin sings.

43. The Shins "New Slang" Used in the movie Garden State as a song that will change your life.

41. The Postal Service "The District Sleeps Tonight" Postal Service is a side project of some Death Cabbers (Ben is vocals on both). Raw vocals and electronic beats. I sometimes am annoyed by all the very pronounced breaths in before verses.

38. Saves The Day "Shoulder To The Wheel" From their album Through Being Cool, which itself could be my soundtrack for high school. I still have a crayon drawn beach scene with a flamingo from my friend Alex in the case, which I had only put in there for safe keeping that day.

37. Panic! At The Disco "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" One of my top favorite bands, though they have split in two (the non P!ATD members are now The Young Veins) and are pursing a different type of music. They used to put on quite the show, in costume and make up with Vegas esque show going on onstage (could be from some Las Vegas place as that is where the band is from).

36. Phantom Planet "California" I fell in love with PP after seeing (and falling in love with) Alex in a Gap comercial, with the "Mellow Yellow" song singing by a whole cast of characters. My heart melted everytime and was deeply saddened when the commercial finished it's course. "California" is the theme song for "The O.C." a show I love - if you have not seem it, talk to me as I own the series!

26. New Found Glory "Hit or Miss" I remeber when they were A New Found Glory, had a friend who was friends with these guys, regularly hung out with Jordan and Cyrus. Though not much a fan anymore as they've gone too punk for me :p I still listen to what I have of theirs.

25. All American Reject "Move Along" A less poppy song than usual, which is great. Love the video too.

19. All American Rejects "Swing, Swing" This song got them onto the airwaves and into many peoples homes.

15. Saves The Day "At Your Funeral" Give it a listen, and them some more STD songs if you desire. I can't think how to describe what this song is too me.

14. Brand New "Jude Law and a Semester Abroad" Have neither heard this band nor single, but after reading the snipet I want to! They are on my list for the record store.

12. Jimmy Eat World "Bleed American" It's hard to say so much about a band, sorry!

11. Blink-182 "All The Small Things" Fn good video, hard song not to like.

10. Thursday "Understanding In a Car Crash" Please give this a listen and just reflect on it. Passionate, powful song that will leave something with you.

9. Jimmy Eat World "The Middle" They're good!

7. Dashboard Confessional "Screaming Infidelities" I listen to Dashboard every week, the voice has become something I sometimes needs, his love and heart ache songs soothe my soul at just the right time.

6. The Postal Service "Such Great Height" Postal Service makes me think of Jeremy musically as a band of his sounds similar to The Postal Service.

4. Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" My favorite part of the band is Pete Wentz.

3. Jimmy Eat World "Sweetness" Thinking they're worth a listen, yes? They are. I wont mind having to share them ;)

1. At The Drive-In "One Armed Scissor" I like them, but not love them. Great musicians.

ruminating

my thoughts keep swirling and twirling around about how nothing looks right, nothing on my body is right. every part had too much on it, and it no longer looks good. it can't look good. it is no long just straight and narrow; my limbs taper from little up. the bones and ligaments once so clearly defined are softly shown. it does look rather elegant, but the feeling it awful. these thoughts have began to creep back up in my mind, i didn't even realize it. but ive spent days now just focusing on all the wrong parts and being ever so frustrated at how slow change can take, or even if the change is being taken. for my eyes just keep seeing all the extra, no matter what amount it's in. extra is extra.

it's over! (for me at least.)

The holiday of feast is not to be faced for another year for me. the rest of my family is still looking forward to the pumpkin pie i made, of which i have to whip the cream for them after this post. i am one for holidays, but this one does not suit me. it had turned it's meaning into an all out feast, such a break from what it really was. and what it really was wasn't all that pleasant either; as the pilgrims made their home here, they drove away and killed off the native americans. well, us here in america today like to forget that true past and focus just on the feast part they had, i can give us some credit i suppose in focusing on the time where the pilgrims and native americans made good with each other. but really, how many of the people here today focus on that? not many, maybe some with such a meaning driven mind as mine do. everyone just likes the food. that's all anyone talks about, and that's what most of the informations about today is for.

the holiday itself isn't as anxiety provoking as it could be. we have really low key holidays as the family is just my mum, dad, brother, sister, and myself. the other family that we used to share holidays with have died, oh but one moved away. what i dont like is the focus on food all day, the stress around timing all the dishes correctly, making sure we have everything and everything is done right, only to sit and eat for merely a fraction of the time spent cooking. i dont feast out either, so that's not an issue either. im now aloud to just have what i want. it used to be that there's be a big argument over the portions i was giving and scales were often involved to make sure i was getting enough. i made the vegetables and stuffing and that is what i ate. i would have had a bit of turkey but butter was placed on it so it was a no go. after i made this known, my mum remarked "that's just sad, very sad." but i am okay going a life without butter! and i didn't even mind not having turkey, not really my thing anymore. ive been backing off of meat lately.

MY LOVELY CHAP

my dad noticed during dinner that my ring was on my right finger, and commented on it. i happened to hang out with him the day i got it, and i was switching it between right and left ring fingers, as it didnt feel quite right on the right finger, but felt lovely on the left (a sign perhaps? i made out through the meaning*).

"i am, it finally feel right on this finger." i said. then i explained to my mum and sister, "dad didn't like me wearing it on my left finger."

"i kept on thinking you were married," he noted.

"yeah... i secretly got married." i said in a way between being serious and joking.

my mum mumbled something as i said, "he's quite the lovely chap."

it took me a while to get her to clarify her mumbles. it turned out to be something along the lines of "like you have time!"

i defended myself: "I have time on the weekends! and in the morning!"

"like you get up early."

"on the week days, after i drop off the boys."

"like when you go for a run, then go home and shower, and go to pick up the boys," my dad cleverly pointed out.

"true. i go get charlie and we then meet my lovely chap for lunch. charlie loves to go out!."

i was making it all possible for me to have this lovely chap. if only he were real, and i could have valid ways to prove it besides a ring i bought for myself.

later i realized another time we could be together. "well, just maybe my lovely chap goes on my runs with me."

"except the time i saw you," my dad said.

"i had sprinted ahead of him that day," i made up on the spot, although it couldn't hold true as i told my dad i was taking it easy that day due to an injured shin.

"or just maybe he was off walking the dogs!" i pointed out that grand possibility. this day has been filled with plenty of dog talk, so that was the perfect end to my defense of having this lovely chap, who will hopefully one day exist.

*a line from a jacks mannequin song "every scene was a sign, we made out through the/their (?) meaning)

p.s. a horray as i've just figured out how to fix the text and make it block! my life is back in order.

Max, who is really Peter

I was pushed his way to let him know someone thought he was cute. I didn't have much choice but to say something to him as he noticed my swift approach over. The seat next to him, to my good fortune, was empty so I took a seat. I leaned over and said "I was sent to let you know someone thinks you are cute." I smiled, and raised my eyebrows in curiousity as I took a sip of my drink (a "Big Ass Margarita" by the way).
I got him interested, and we started talking. Being as it was halloween, costumes were up first. He asked if I knew who he was. Of course I did. "You are Max, from Where The Wild Things Are. I have a doll of him on my desk." He had just seen the movie and thought it a good idea for a costume, especially as his friend was having an animal costume party the following week. He was using halloween as a test run for his costume.
"Im a detective." I pointed out the obvious. He was impressed by the homemade cape (his costume was homemade also, and well done at that). He commented on my magnafying glass, and how heavy it must be. I handed it to him to see for yourself, and said I hadn't noticed as I've been holding it for quite some time.
Tattoos came up next, as he took hold of my wrist after he saw the birds. He softly ran his fingers over them. "They're new," he noted. "Yes. I got them yesterday." After asking if I had more, I showed him Pirate Guy on my foot, which he was smitten with, and again ran his fingers softly over. I flashed the back of my left arm to show the stars next, saying those were my first. He had always wanted a tattoo, and had a plan to get one but it had fell through.
The noise of this bar/club requires you to get close to the person you are talking to. As we talked, we moved closer to each other. One of my legs was on his stool, he hands resting on my legs. We started to lean more into each other as we talked, pausing to look at the others face. I was talking about something, who knows what actually, and I paused to look at his face. I noticed then how close our faces were, and whatever it was that I was saying ended there, as that inch of space decreased until we were lip to lip.

im not sure?

i heard something helpful this morning, that just hit me tonight, at 7.57 pm. this morning i had therapy, and, of course, we were talking. we were talking about sleep, as my sleep is not good - i cannot stay asleep and when i awake i do not always do the best of things. so my dr was talking about others who have trouble at night with bad behaviors don't take the time for self care. I brought up how i did do self care in the evening, that i had a routine. but, oh, i realized, this was a routine i had to do and if i didn't do it correctly, that the night would be horrible, terrible, and so i had to restart and do it properly. it had started with good intentions though, i made the point.
then she said, I'm sure it did, you just have a predisposition to becomes obsessive about some things (paraphrased there for sure). that's the kicker, that is what just become so helpful to me in my mind. i have an organized mess on my floor right now, as i decided i neededd to reorganize the two baskets of the bottom of my cubby unit. i was putting some medicine into my "treasure" chest and I heard my sister leave her room, and it hit and i felt a wave of okay-ness sweep over me. my sister is important here because i need to go have a talk to her about something else that came up in therapy. about going out to dinner and not ordering simple food, having to order something that involves cooking and to see if she'd be willing to do it with me so when the day comes that i am at a place with a lovely somebody and there is no simple food, i can order something and be okay and have an enjoyable evening.
i'm not sure why now the statement my dr made this morning became so helpful, so important. i was hoping i could capture that okay-ness and be able to hold onto it. but it is gone.




i am in the process of applying to grad school. i'm really starting to freak out, for a multitude of reasons; i haven't signed up for my second exam, i haven't contacted the third professor for my recommendations nor do i have his contact information, i have barely started my personal statements, i keep forgetting to get transcripts from DVC, i have barely started the applications, more i am sure. mostly i am freaking out that i wont be able to make it through. i get this realization while i am going about my day and stumble upon some "quirk of mine" (it's actually a psychological disadvantage of mine), like when i'm running and one shoe heel grazes my ankle and i have to make the other heel graze the other ankle, or how if i have an itch on one side and scratch it, i have to scratch the other side, or how i cannot keep up with bills i have to pay or updating my medical coverage, or keeping track of my purchases and how much money i have - i just freely spend. how am i do excel in graduate school? i didn't do as well as i could have my senior year of college because my life was beginning to unravel yet i chose to ignore all the signs and keep pushing myself just so i could finish. looking back, i wish i would have taken medical leave and get things in order instead of burying myself further. if one year away at school (my first two were taken easy at home), how do i expect to do more in a school further away for all three-four years, more for my doctorate?! i wish my clarity i had the day i decided to go for grad school finally could come back so i could just get done what needs to be done and try it out!




hmm.

halloween

The Lifeguards

We were on the dance floor of the Knock Out, moving along to the 60's rock music playing, when I spotted the two lifeguards at the bar (aka two guys dressed as lifeguards). I walked over to them and tapped one on the shoulder. He turned, and I shared the emergency:

"Lifeguard! Can you help! My sister has been bitten by a shark!"

(Erica's costume was a shark attack victim, complete with the shark still attached)

He acted concerned and blew his whistle as he walked over.

"How is she?" I voiced my concern.

"It doesn't look good. He got some vital organs."

"Oh, well, she seems alive and the shark dead."

"She's still dancing, but she wont make it."

I was then sure to comment on how lovely his trunks were - they were the short kind that I love, and apparently some fancy brand and he showed them off. His friends were cool too. And while finally bringing up his friend, he just stood aside during this mostly.

He said he'd come back and check her vitals later but there was not much he could do - he had no gauze.

(I hear he did check back during the night.)

Max, who is really Peter

I was going to share this story, but, well... not now?