tahoe!

i have an awful belly ache, and just in general don't feel to well... perfect excuse to sit down and reflect ;)

i almost didn't go :/ i came home thursday night and, after a car ride checking in with myself, just didn't feel like going. I told my mum know late that night - her reaction was of utter shock. went to bed and woke up and told my dad - same reaction. both made me feel really bad. they left to take my car to the mechanic and i thought for a while and guilt just poured in over saying I'm not going. My sister was going and looking forward to me being there, it was a bit of a birthday celebration for her, my parents had planned this with the thought it would be nice for the family. Sigh. I just couldn't help it, I didn't want to live with the guilt over the weekend, so I talked to my parents when they got home and after a bit decided I just ought to go. I had to tell my sister I was going as I had told her I wasn't, and also have my mum call my borther and ask him he still did need to come as I had told him the previous evening to not! I know - I'm a great family member to have :roll eyes: (my brother was staying at the parents for a day to be with the kitties - whew, a worry off my head.)

So, the car ride was long and not fun. I get car sick and sleepy, but it's hard to sleep fully when you feel like ralphing. Plus the mountain winding ride - oi! But I did sleep a bit, that helped. Once we reached the mountains - it started snowing! Not much, but enough to make it novel :) We arrived before my sister, so I got first dibs on the rooms - chose the only downstair bedroom. She then arrived, went for a quick shop then dinner (at a Mexican place, where I got a margarita yum!). Then hot tub in the evening. 

Saturday we took a lovely hike. There is still snow on the ground up there - I couldn't resist making snowballs every so often, heh. The scenery up there is lovely, it was nice to just be out there. Though my thoughts would not leave me alone! 

We did some shopping afterwards. Went to a cute dog and cat store - DogDogCat. Got a gift for Sailer and Tunsits. My pesky thoughts would not leave me alone and just kept growing and getting worse. I tried to just suck it up but I could not shew them away. I was beat. We went out for dinner - I really felt like taking a pass but we were stopping on the way back and I didn't want to inconvience them by driving me home and then back. Mistake! The place had no acceptable options for me except the lame salad bar. I just sat the whole time looking down, my thoughts going rampad. We got home, I put on cozy clothes, laid in bed, cried a bit, fell asleep. 

I took a pass Sunday morning on going out to breaki - not my thing. We just muddled around for a bit that day, we had to clean sheets and towel before leaving. Car ride home was bad as it started in the winding mountains and I thought I was going to hurl and then pass out. Made it home and was lovely to see my kitty :) It was hard to have to get ready to be off for work so soon, but it's what I had to do. 

I enjoyed my time up there, felt bad for being in a glum mood but I'm struggling right now and I did try. It was beautiful up there - so good mood or not, it was just visually worth it. 

Woke up Saturday to snow on the car!

My dad had left his sandals out overnight - oops. 

Pic of the mountain, there is a road on the side that we took to get to the hiking spot. Lots of turns!

Waterfall on the hike

My feet in the snow

I made a mini snow man

I got Tunsits a water bowl and Sailer a new colar

changes, not being positive, and some fun

My work week has changed - which, overall, is for the best. I had become just too overworked and was tired and not in a good mood all the time. So I work Monday morning - Thursday evening, plus I don't have to do a ton of extra household chores - they've hired a house cleaner. The only down side is a pay cut, but, well, I think it's worth it - for my sanity. The odd thing is, these terms were what I had brought up with with my T, so it made me a little paranoid that they were fulfilled without me saying anything! I need to realize, though, that I am probably not wired and followed and that the family has just come to know me and could figure out how to make work work for me! Or so I hope... ;)

So I have been trying to get back into running for a couple months now - uhg! So frustrating how hard it is this time around. I loved, and was good, at running in high school. Well, I had been finally feeling better about it the past two weeks, feeling hopefuly and positive about it and really thinking it could work. Then yesterday I had just an awful work out! I could barely keep it up and my legs felt like they were splintering at each stride. It makes me so dicouraged (and not positive!) about the whole thing - like is it really worth it? Is my body at a loss for ever getting back into the sport? Oi, it's so troubling to my mind. I wish it was easy this time around, I wish my body had just snapped back into it and remembered how to power through it. But nope, it has to be a tough, rough challenge just like most other parts of my life. 

Yesterday, C and I had a long stretch of time for ourselves. He typically would take a nap - but not yesterday. We did an errand - which he simply loves! Then it was home for some chores then, the best part, we got a chance to play! We went out back and he drove his cars around and I wandered, then found a ball and started to kick it. That grabbed his interest and he joined it, we had good fun for a while. Then I remembered we had some water balloons leftover from the day before (that's a story to share!) so I brought them out and we threw them on the ground, tossed them up in the air, and stomped on them. It was nice to just kick back a bit and have some fun. 

The day prior, E had a playdate with an old friend who had just moved back into town. The mum, daughter/sister, and the boys them came over later. They all played around a bit inside, until they found the bag of water balloon and some squirt guns in the play room. It was a perfect activity as the weather was hothot here! The boys played with the water guns while the sister and I filled up the balloons. Swwet, sweet childhood. It was nice to have that family back - I really like them. The kids are great, and the mum talks to me and I to her. They are just so lovely, all around. 

Today, planned, is for the boys and I to go see the movie Earth later. I hope that works out. I hate just having to sit around... but oh well. 

I'm still back and forth on Tahoe! Ahhhh! I'll be okay, it'll be okay. Plus I think my sister would really enjoy me to be there. 

Tahoe a-go

Looks like I will be going to Tahoe this coming weekend. My friend is going away, but we figured the cats will be okay left with a ton of food and water out and clean litter boxes. I'm a bit weary, but so be it. We haven't figured out about Tunsits yet though, hmmm. (Tunsits has homebase as our garage. I recued him from a tree a couple months back.) 

So, I'm still a bit nervous about going. I have just felt like such crap lately. But I am trying to channel the fun times I have had up at Tahoe! The first bit is my trip up there with my folks. 

True smiles... 

I am working on getting pictures onto this lap top (finally) so I'll have more to share. 

I have gotten myself a bit blogged up lately, heh. I've dicovered a couple a cool, good blog reads, I need to muster up the courage to make a connection out to them! 

Okay, I have more to say but I really need to lay down and get to unwinding. It's 11.07 pm and my alarm is set for 5.28 am, oi! I hate work - er, Monday's. But first, more to drink I think. It has been rather hot this weekend and my body seems to have held on to the bit of fluid it has had. 

on the afternoon of Friday...

I'm always trying to make something in my life just right. I always seem to come up with a problem and spend hours planning up the solution in my head. I just think "when I finally get it solved, I will be okay." I just want my life to be okay again, so if I can focus in on one problem at a time and give it a solution, then... If only. 

My family is going up to Lake Tahoe next weekend. Well, the family is my mum, dad, and sister for the moment. I am wanting to go, and my brother - who knows (to quote my father). My immediate answer was "no!" when I say on the fridge white board "Tahoe - next weekend." Then I thought about it - well, maybe. Then my dad gets home and brings it up and I think "well, it sounds nice." Then I decided it might be nice, so hoping on if I leave on Thursday night from work I will go. But first I need to make sure the kitties are taken care of! I might have to stay for them. 

I have been up to Tahoe with my folks a bit ago, stayed at Squaw. It was lovely, and beautiful - and I enjoyed being there and myself. Currently, I don't enjoy being anywhere and certainly not myself. So I am torn - am I not really in a good spot to go up? Will it be helpful to bring up joyous memories, or will that just add to my misery? I really don't know which way rope will swing until I'm there. Sometimes remembering how content I was drives me to get better, other times it just adds to the depression I feel. Right this moment, my gut feels like it would be nice to go up and try a smile, chill with my sister and go for a nice hike. But I will just be so aware of how I am, and distressed over cordinating my life with other people who I haven't been with for a while in a very unfamilar place. 

It would be nice to be a person, who at the drop of a hat, can say yes and be excited and get on with their life. Instead, I have to agonize over the decision for a couple hours, and if the decision is yes to going somewhere. I am in a state of panic until I go. Yes, it would be nice to be another way, but I wouldn't be me. And while I have plenty of problems over being me, it's the only person I know how to be. I do always try to fix and improve on myself, but never in a way to actually change me. I just want to fine tune the bits of me that are good, that are a strength (or so what I see as good, as a strength). I need to learn to just be me, I wish I can and I'm sure I will be one day as that is what I'm driven towards doing. Finding a problem and making the solution everyday. I'm getitng kind of tired of doing it and not having a result, but that glimmer of hope inside is still glowing, and it keeps me going. 

a week off, a mind busy (part two)

(I know, I'm slow!)

Sometimes I find myself just looking in the mirror. I'm never sure why as it is not done with any intention. The past week, being home with my mum, I would imagine her walking by and catching me doing that. She would then tell me "I hope you are saying good things to yourself," to which I would have to respond "sadly, I'm not." Thinking and imagining this would make me terribly sad - and guilty. I don't think when my parents decided to have a kid I would turn out, someone who is so down on themselves all the time. At least they got it right with the first two. I'm sure all a parent wants is for their kids to be happy and content with themselves. Yet here I am - barely able to cope through a full day. I just have such disatisfaction with myself and life as a whole, and it makes me feel so guilty as I'm sure my pain just breaks my parents hearts. I love my parents/family so so much, and that's why I'm still here. But just... it's me, I can't stand myself. 

Being around my mum for the week made me realize this newfound feeling of guilt. I am used to my pain, but I don't want them to have pain. I enjoyed so much being home with my mum though, still at 23 I crave the comfort and nurturing of my parents. I just wish - I was more of a prize for them, instead of just barely making it. 

Easer photos

Easter baskets (mine is zebra print). I painted the two pots for my parents.

Easter bread

Macaroons made with the "grass"

Easter

Part two is being interrupted with this much important holiday post... 

Easter has come and almost gone. Last night, after the parents went back for bed, I assembled the Easter "baskets" for the family. I felt it important to still do, though there wasn't much of Easter going on. My brother and my sister were not coming, and my dad is on call for work so he needed to be close to home. We started the day with yard work, then my dad and I did a walk. I baked macaroons with the extra grass from the gingerbread Spring house (which is, really, coconut dyed green), and some more Easter bread. 

For dinner, I made the parent au gratin potatoes and bbq'ed a ham steak. My dad had planned on doing the ham, but he had to go into work. Being on call usually just requires him to call his crew to get them on a job that needs their assistance. Usually he finds someone, but people either weren't answering or answered and had already been drinking. He finally found one guy, but wasn't confident in him going at it alone so my dad went in to help. So I took care of the dinner for them. 

I also got an opossum out of our garage. Score one for me. 

Pictures from the day and part two will come about. 

a week off, a mind busy (part one)

...listening to an interview with William (Bill) Beckett with fearlessradio.com so I have found myself with some free time, with the computer fairly handy. Oh Bill, you stutter so eloquently ;)

My week off has been for the best. I have just been thinking and thinking and taking it easy. I've stayed in a lot, surprisingly. I just don't feel well enough to go out and face other people. I haven't just been a slob in front of the tele, I've managed to be fairly productive! Did some crafts, some baking, yard work too actually. got on a good roll with that and then I got super paranoid about the bugs and felt them crawling all over me and getting caught in my hair and was so nervously scared about what would pop up. So I called it a day and took a shower. There have also been the walks with my dad :)

Today - I venture out. Have a few errands to take care of and will take a stop into a book shop.

Triple tasking is not my skill. I am listening to this interview and also watching [the original] Beverly Hills 90210 (last episode, Donna and Davids wedding), and trying to focus on my thoughts - well, those have gone wayside. I hope later they will come back to me...

gingerbread!

Yesterday I spent making a gingerbread Spring house. I had great fun, I will say! Gingerbread houses are my favorite part of Christmas time, and I was in need of a good, homely project. This turned out to be just perfect :) And with the extra dough, I made some egg shaped cookies. 

pieces ready for assembling

house just put together

front of house

back of house

arial view

rupert got to some of the bushes

cookies

sunday night, where's my yawn?

i am officially on vacation, a much needed one. i got the word today that i can have the week off as the family is going to so cal on tuesday, and i ought to just take the whole week off for rest. and rest in what i intend to do. along with a few other tasks i have written down on a list. most important is to do my taxes! i hope it wont be too time consuming or headache inducing as it always seems it will be. i have also got a few crafts to do, yay. i am going to paint and decorate two terra cotta pots for my parents easter "baskets," assemble all the baskets - i also have to figure out who will be where when as easter is not a big deal here and it doesnt seem like theres a gathering for it. but my sister is coming this week, wednesday and thursday, and may not come back on the weekend. also i am going to make a bunny hutch/house with gingerbread! gingerbread is my favorite at christmas time, why not bring it to another holiday? so i have to first make the plan out of cardboard to use as a template as i am baking the gingerbread, tis not prebaked and cut. and i have some scrapbooking i can do. 

i am excited to have time off. i think what led to my rough days last week was exhaustion, as i was having a terrible time sleeping. there is more to it, i know, but i think getting some rest will help me deal with those other aspects. i also spent a good couple hours yesterday crafting a food plan and did the food shopping for it today and am determined to stick to it and get on some sort of track. i need all this, i cannot let myself just fall apart. there is this bit of me inside that wants a complete breakdown of my life so i can just lay in bed all and forget the worries of the world, but i know that wont get me anywhere and i do want to go somewhere. i dont know where that somewhere is, but i will only figure it out by keeping on going and not just hiding under my covers, no matter how cosy that is. 

i never keep the "come back" promise

i was looking through some photos and sadness started to overwhelm me, mostly so when looking through the Europe trip pictures. Just seeing the reminders of that trip, the fact that I was actually there - those were the good memories. I was actually able to fulfill a dream of mine, and conquer a good couple fears along the way. The sadness comes in due to the fact that I couldn't fully enjoy myself there as I was (still am) beyond disgusted with the state my body is in. I try so hard to just be okay in the world as I am, and enjoy such experiences as being over seas and going to shows, being out with friends. But I am always ever so aware of how my body is at the moment. what gets me the most flustered is that despite my efforts, nothing with it has changed in the past year. It's as if my body is just laughings it's ass off at me as it refuses to make peace, just so to get back at me for all those years it was badly hurting. Well, I think it's time for a compromise. Body, listen here, I know going back so low is not realistic nor an option, but where I am at now is not an option either and not realistic for me to keep on living. So if you want to keep going in this world, you and me need to make a compromise as to how we will work. I am willing to live not so low, don't worry, but you need to budge or else it will be the end of us! I want to be able to go on, go back to Europe, have friends and have fun. I want to be around for Sailer, and I don't want to rip apart my mum and dad by not being around. I am okay with life, it doesn't make since 96% of the time, but I am okay trudging on. I just need to be able to feel comfortable. We'll make a plan, a healthy plan. 

ba ba ba da

WED: had drs. appt in the morning. was supposed to be weighed but when it came down to it i said no, starting crying and kept on saying no. dr got concerned, rub my arm and said that k (my therapist) had told her id say no and start to cry. heh. i said next time i would. i kind of have to. 

got the coffee and made it to soccer and back in good condition. 

then - 

had a bad panic attack that night. in the bathroom. the boys were the ones who found me, stood for a moment, e asked if i was okay. shook my head no and said i couldnt breathe. went for mum. she helped, gave me some steroid inhaler and some benadryl and let me relax. made me some tea and i made it to my bed, took a bit. my limbs were numb. called my mum and talked to her for a good bit. 

it sucked. i hadnt had one so bad in a while, ive certainly had some. but this was badbad. and i hated that it was at work. but it was taken care of. 

i had hoped for a better day but...

THURS

just in tears all day, dont know why no real reason. i just was. id be okay for a moment then bam tears came. but i was able to do what i needed to at least, got the kids to and from school, fed, cleaned the floors, did a run, showered, made dinner. but i was an absolute mess. so the mum came home and asked how i was and i just shook my head and welled up with tears. tried to hold it together, we talked for a bit. i got to go home.

FRI

slept in. my mum called just as i was waking up, she had left something at home and needed me to bring it for her. well, it was optional. but i did. so i hung there for a bit. did nothing much else. went on a walk with my dad. felt as though i had wasted a day doing nothing so cleaned house a bit. 9.48 pm and here i am. i am hoping for some sleep tonight. 

ill divvy up this post in a bit, in a different post. i just like to get to listing out for the days sometimes. it helps my head, my head needs me to do it. 

the problem with starting a blog amidst a sleepless evening is that the not quite awake brain cannot recall any good titles for it. only this morning, after going to sleep around 4.00 am and waking up at 7.00 am, did i remember some other clever titles. i considered just erasing this and starting afresh, but then the first post would no longer be relevant. 

also, i did not have much of a thought as to why to start a blog. ive never truly understood why id want to put my life out on the internet for anyones eyes to read. and if i wanted to just sort through my thoughts - well, i have plenty of notebooks and not to mention the pages application on my lappy to do so. yet i realized, having a blog gives the chance for someone else to either relate or shed some light on certain situations. or to at least have it out of just my own life and into someone elses. not everything of me always has to be stuck within!

well, i need to get on to fixing my hair. it is 3.47 pm and i am dead tired. but i need to go pick up the elder boy from soccer with the younger boy and a trip for some coffee is a must if i want to make it there and back with all of us, including my car, alive!

uh-oh

it's 1.18 am on, hmm, 1 april. wide awake. not a good thing. alarm goes off at 7 am to begin yet another endless day. been having an increase in sleep problems lately. 

im a bit devoid, in my head, of anything relevant to me at this moment. what makes me me? at least to other people. to myself im just a twisted mess of agony in my head. but to others - what can i say? how can i explain myself, make myself seem more like a person? i like photography, i want to pursue it. but of course im just slow in getting it going, slow to actually comiting and sticking to something for once .yeah, that BA is psychology? seems all for nothing now. bummer. 

i love my cat. :D

i really enjoy baking. dont really eat my creating, but i love to do it anyway! i mostly bake cookies, but don't put anything else past me! my dad gets cookies once a month at least. last month was cashew caramel. i used to have a little home run baking business that i'd bake and send cookies out to different people. every month, 1-2 different types. im certainly more of a baker than a cooker (er?). i have to make dinner for my work family, well i can at least do it but i rely heavily on recipes! 

i wish my body and rest of brain would begin to shut down alongside this thinking bit of it. i have thoughts, but no words for them. they are just going going...