i have come to realize that my life is just as it is, yet i still get pained that i'm not within the normal spectrum. nothing comes easy to me - even getting out of bed takes a pep talk. it took me two hours to get out today to take care of some errands. i have spent the past eight years of my life in a fog. before then, despite a few struggles, i had life inside of me. only recently have i realized this, and how many important years of my life have gone by. im ready to get into life. i have plans for some trips sans parents or siblings, and i badly want to move away and just try to make it, without the worry of judgement from my family. i would be on my way with it now except i am quite attached to my job and just don't know how to let the news get in. maybe a few more months will be good, as i might not be completely ready now. i wont be completely ready when it happens either, but it has to happen. one thing i have learned these past few months of having an active mind is that life does not come to me, or anyone for that matter. it takes a lot of work, and chance, and luck. for so long i had thought that life just happened, and that fear of not knowing what was going to happen freaked me out. life felt like it was out of my control. so enter my control with the ED and what happened was the opposite: i got no life. i have improved with the ED by miles, but i am still so consumed with it. it can be quite comforting at times - and quite vicious. so of course when the comforting parts come around, the viciousness is forgiven. that viciousness is actually what sparked my mind right now. i looked in the mirror and had critical thoughts, which happens 99% of the time, and my head grew sympathetic to the fact that other people can look in the mirror with no problems while i cant. even sitting here right now i am aware of every ounce of fat that is on me and how uncomfortable it makes me feel. i am still consumed in my Critics thoughts, and he is what makes the ED go, and the OCD go, and he makes me anxious, and such. i am at least better behavior wise. unfortunately, more of my time is spent in thought than in behavior. it is just how ive developed to be come my rebuild in life. i have always had a thoughtful side to me, but was also very social. a lot comes out of my thoughts - i am able to figure out aspects of my life, i am caring towards everything and everyone, it is what sparks my writing (which i am fond of). as talked about before, it has fueled the difficult parts of my life as my Critic became quite loud and ruling. it has also led me to be vain to a degree. i care so much about how i look; hair, clothes, make-up, body parts have to be just so, and i dont let up for anyone on this. i am at least nothing extreme, just very particular.
i do not desire to change my life full, rather i just wish to enhance it. i want human company, people to go out with and have fun, hang around and get me to watch a movie, someone to drink with. i feel i can start to handle it. i am very bad with keeping up with relationships as i am just consumed in my own self and forget others for a good chunk of time. i dont know enough about the few friends i have, and i really wish i knew more about them. it is a skill i need to work on, obviously. i am not really looking forward to having a job and paying bills, but it comes with the life i am ready to have. it just means my free time gets to truly be my free time. and i cannot wait to get a puppy! i know i am so close to it, it has gotten near impossible to wait any longer. it takes a lot to stop myself from getting one right now! i will for sure still have Sailer, she will just have to learn to like her new buddy. She will need one.
Despite my high hopes for my enhanced life, I know i will never be who i thought i would be. i have my Critic and he will be here for the long haul, it has been made clear. i am just going to have to live with him, and do the best that I can with him. Teamwork, right.
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