in typical lindsay fashion...

...I yelled at my parents on a holiday that is just for me mum. 

Today [in the US] it is Mother's Day. I had gotten my mum's gift more than a week ago, a Mom & Me book from American Girl - a perfect gift actually. I had bought a huge cupcake pan last weekend and planned to bake up a cake for her. Took care of the cake yesterday (Saturday), yet still hadn't wrapped the gift, let alone get her a card. Hum. 

Well, my dad had brought up the idea to take my mum to the spa's today as she had woken up in not such a great mood. Great!, I thought. I looked forward to having some alone time. I was going to hang out with a friend, who was out with her mum when I was ready to leave. I was ready and anxious to get going. So I went out, told her I'd pick us up some coffee (iced lattes from Peets), but i had a bit extra time in order to meet her at her house. So I stopped into a shop to look at cards. The Mother's Day ones were kind of lame, but I found a perfect one under the category of "love." I picked her up some dark choccie - Green & Blacks as I hear its good. 

After my hanging out, I had to pop into the food shop to pick some things up for my parents (my offering, I love to do errands!). Well, I called to a. see if they had thoughts of anything else (they had) and b. see when they were planning on going (very soon, I hoped). Well, plans were not definate. I started getting angry here, told my mum that she had to just call the place and make it a plan, no having it floating about. Well, she didn't, so when I got home and asked her about it, my anger grew. Asked my dad about it, my anger grew more. Went to tell my mum something, and my anger exploded and I yelled at them. I just get to frustrated too often - they are always saying how they want to do more things together, yet they never do. They come with ideas but they just float away. Argh!

And, well, me yelling and making the day a bit not enjoyable when it's a day for my mum - birthday, Mother's Day, is nothing new. I did this growing up all the time. I had gotten better recently, but well, it still happens! What I realize now is that I just react off of how my mum is feeling - she does not enjoy her holidays and try as I might, I can't fix her and make her happy. So as the day goes on and I fail harder and she's not enjoying, I can't handle it. 

After the yelling I did some cleaning and finished off the huge cupcake. I just brewed inside my head, and that little outburst spiraled into a whole lot of negativity, but it was good to be able to focus on the creativity that went into the cake. I couldn't take the comments from my folks though - I just gave them a solid face. I wanted to speak in gratitude but I knew if I opened my mouth the anger would leak. 

That helped, I calmed down a bit to the point where I could talk and the evening wasn't ruined. I wrapped the pressie, wrote in the card, and stuck the choc bar inside the envelope. It sat in the living room for a couple hours before I asked my mum when she was going to open it! She enjoyed it, had a good laugh with the book as she looked through it. I told her she needs to fill it out during the week so I can know more about her when I get home at the end of the week. I hope she does! there are also some activities we can do. 

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Today on my walk my dad asked he "how I was doing." How can I even begin to answer that - to him. I didn't say much, "alright I guess." He said I seem to be doing okay - yes, to the eyes I am as I have put on some weight, but am in constant agony over it! Well, an eventual comment was "next you just need some friends." Usually, I would agree. I have for years. For years I have wished for, dreamed about, and said to others that I will get some friends. Today, however, after a moments thought I said, "I don't want any." It's the truth. After all those years, I realize I just don't want any. I am fine by myself, life is easier to manage. I can do what I want, when I want, and without having to talk to someone else. Now, my bestie Liz is of course the exception! She is more than a friend, truly, she is just part of me. 

I was thinking about this more tonight - I don't know how the thought got there. I was trying to think what to do with my life - I have finished college and am not making much progress for grad school. And meeting people, well, I'm not sure about. So this leaves me alone - alone for the rest of my life, no mate. I think that would just be for the best, my mates have always caused me anxiety. Perhaps I'll adopt a kid. I never really wanted to be pregnant anyway. So it seems like that will be my life. I guess I'll have to be okay with that.