this was a draft i had saved from 18 july:
as my dad and i were passing the lake on our walk this morning, there were some kids on the other side messing about. as i was looking over, i noticed a rope swing - i had never known it was there. it was the sight of that and the kids that sent my thoughts off to my life, and how void it is of everything. i dont have much going for me. i have graduated college, sure, but have yet to made any progress for after that. i have a friend - granted, she is the best friend but still only a friend. i do have another friend, but we hardly ever get to see each other which is a major bummer. i dont do much besdies work. i look forward to coming home just to be alone. i chill in my room and watch the tele, clean and organize, and do errands. right now my excitement is coming home to my two dvds of One Tree Hill. I'd rather watch that than do anything of my own. I live in the lives of these shows, they are the life I always thought I'd have. I dont know how i ended up so alone, so void of zest for life, so stuck in my own misery. I feel like a waste. When people get pregnant, they never know who will turn up, they just only hope for the best. It's a gamble, and unfortunately my parents lost it with me. And they have to be reminded of it all the time, especially the three days when I mope around the house. My dad asked me on our walk if i had any plans for the day - i just shrugged in all my nopeness. My dad responded that I need to get myself out more - I just threw my hands up, not knowing what to say.
Those feelings stayed with me, but they no longer really ring true.
That following weekend, still feeling rather drab, I excepted an invitation to go out with my best friend and the kids she was watching. She was spending the night with them, and something she does on those occasions is take them out. This night they were going to a pizza place that has some arcade games and quarter machines - they kids love to go there. I had a blast! The kids are great also, I hadn't been with them in a couple years and they have quite thei own personalities now. They took the same liking to me as I did to them. After pizza I went back home with them to do the greatest thing ever - jump on the huge trampoline! I have always loved them, yet hadn't been on one in years. I had told the kids that "I always have time for trampoline" and they haven't forgotten that one!
The following weekend my friend was getting married (on 1 Aug) and I was to be a bridesmaid. So the day after the kiddy fun started the madness of the last minute get together of everything for the wedding. The biggest deal was I tried my shoes on and they no longer fit! Despite searching an entire outdoor shopping mall with the boys, I came out empty handed and ordered some online with a rush. Thursday was the wedding rehersal, Friday i had a hair appt followed by the girls night out at Fisherman's Wharf. I met them while they were dining and I had myself a Lemon Drop, and we then went to the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum. Then the big day!
The wedding was beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I had all my fears, worries, anxieties, and very negative talk going, but I was able to just tell it to shove off as this was for Thea and it meant a lot to her for me to be there, and it meant a lot to me to be there for her! And I did it, and actually had a good time, was able to talk and eat and had some cake as promised to Thea, woot. I really just hit all my bad talk to myself out of the park - the belief that I can't go out and have a good time and dress up and feel okay because of my perception of my body, well it turns out it's a bit rubbish. Yes those beliefs do still stop me and will continue to stop me for a while, but they aren't as powerful anymore as I totally proved them wrong. To top of the blast of the wedding. I went out afterwards with my best friend (who was my guest) with an old professor of mine who was at the wedding. We went to a near by bar and drank and chatted for quite a while. And I did that in the fanciest of dress. So take that you ruddy critic!
So, if that wasn't enough, there's more!
I have a hard time just hanging out with people, even my bestie, if there aren't really plans in place. I have been having a hard time just letting myself hang out and around - even just by myself. I had gone out with my bestie on Friday and she invited me to hang out with her at the house she was housesitting at which is home to four dogs (only two were there), two cats, two chickens, one rooster, one tortoise, and some fish. The pull in was to watch the tortoise get a bath (just let it roam around in a some water), and I said okay, just for a bit so I could get home to watch Monk and Psych. I was then invited to watch them there with her. I did, and I was okay. For the first time in many many many months I sat on a couch for two hours to watch television, and I was okay. Who'da thought?!
The next day I went to Chuck E Cheeze with the bestie and the same kids form before (one had a bday party and the other two, bestie, and I did our own thing there. That place is crazy and loud and crowded. The Jungle, I hear, is better, so I am for sure invited to their next outing of the Jungle. CEC was followed by some trampoline :) And so was before the wedding, the bestie was babysitting for them and the girl invited me over and I could not say no to trampoline as I always have time for it!
Sunday was for me, and I spent it running about, trying to do errands quickly as I had milk in the car. I started with my grocery shopping because none of the other stops were really planned, and the day was one of the hottest! My milk survived though, thanks to some good AC.
I"m beat, more for later.
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