being 24

I had high hopes for my 20's: I envisioned myself with a handful of friends, calls every night inviting me out, a gorgeous boyfriend and myself a killer body, excelling in school and advancing on to a career. All there is to say to t his younger version of myself with these high hopes is "I'm sorry."

My twenties started out very lonely as I was still trying to being alive. I had a few friends and the gorgeous guys, yet calls were few and far between and I didn't hang out every night.

Twenty-one I went off to school, where I thought I'd acquire new friends and my life would pick up. I did make a few class friends, but every night placed me in my room with Sailer, driving myself crazy over school work and every little thing that was out of place. I did have some fun when I moved in with Jessica!

Twenty-two, drunk off my ass on my birthday, saying who knows what and doing who knows what with a certain someone. My life really started changing, and not exactly for the better.

Though some better, as a school friend became a true friend - Thea.

Twenty-three hit hard, and I began unravelling, again.

Now... twenty-four. The day was 12 September 2009. I had high hopes going into this day. 24 - 2+4=6, a safe number for me.

Approaching the birthday, I started seeing some changes. I considered going out for dinners with my family, I was trying to be more active, more insightful in therapy, I tuned into what I wanted.

One month and eight days into being 24 and I am slightly amazed. The Lindsay inside of me is really back into a true love - running. I am being more creative, I am more energetic. There are things I want to do and those that I don't mind doing. I have been out with my family - both families (the other being my work family!). I have eaten cake, and a cupcake just tonight. I finally mustered up the courage and signed up for a The Academy Is... meet and greet and had an amazing time and was able to truly talk and feel okay about it.

Best of all, I've experienced what my life as a twenty year old was supposed to be. Nights out at a club/bar, having drinks after drinks after drinks, dancing with whoever a friend pushed over to me. My name went into a lovely guys cell phone as "Lindsay From Bar," which if he calls I need to let him know the from bar part can be taken away!

And so... here's life, this is what it is. I am still my biggest critic, that voice has not gone away. The change is that my true self is popping up more, I am just letting myself be. I can finally take a breath, look with clarity, and realize this is me.