the never ending thought

Keith gave a maybe for the plans to go to "Hipster Heaven" Friday (if we do go, maybe ill try to commit the real name to memory!). Having the topic fresh between us, Keith asked

Did that guy ever call?

Not yet was all my answer could be. I hadn't given it to much thought, as the giving of my number went with no guidelines. Yet Keith having asked, my mind began spinning; should he have called by now? if a guy asks for your number, is that implying a guaranteed call? did i do something that made him change his mind, made him regret getting my number? uh, what was it he said about a party? Often my brain just latches onto a topic and runs with it. During this, other thoughts get tangled back in, stories get intertwined. I began to analyze past boys, telling the story in my head as if someone was actually listening - and interested. I realized I hadn't actually ever just given a guy my number (note: i didn't just give Friday guy my number, this was after dancing, talking, sharing a drink and such, then he asked for it), so the newness of the situation is what is driving me crazy. I will just have to deal with this unease in my stomach until either a. he calls or b. there becomes a new guy. though a is my preferred option!

In situations like these, where I am involved with another party, I used to harshly criticize every part of it immediately after. When I had met TAI..., there was no criticising - I just felt so good, I had actually done it, and done it well in my book. After Friday's events, I did not see any faults right away, I was too caught up in how refreshing it felt, amazed I had actually enjoyed something - dare I say have fun? Not until today, Wednesday, did I find some faults in my actions - mostly just some conversation I ought to have said. Years of training and my brain is finally learning to detect the good.

Not saying this happens all the time, I am still so very critical. During a run I am correcting myself as I go - need to pick up my feet more, widen my stride, straighten my arms. Afterwards, seeing the distance, time, and average pace, I can only think of the little bit more I could have done to increase the distance and time, and that I could have achieved a faster pace. I do not reflect on how good I feel afterwards or reflecting on the mere fact that I can actually run again! This harsh self criticism is also part of what keeps me so closed up. I am afraid of saying the right think, afraid my voice will sound funny, worried over how many words I will stumble over. This is not the only reason I am so closed in, but they are the thoughts that creep up when facing a social situation. Luckily, alcohol is a wonderful cure for this, it puts the criticism to sleep and corrects whatever chemical imbalance in my head that goes on to make me such the way. It certainly is not an everyday option though.

So this has swirled my thoughts up so much I forgot where I was headed.

I am riddled with nerves at the moment, as I take my Graduate Record Exam Friday, and then I have a month to complete and gather all the materials needed for grad school applications, at least seven schools. How did I get so skilled at putting things off?!