Somewhere along my way I got pushed off track. I have been doing what I thought I ought to be doing, yet I am not sure it is what I want to be doing.
I was in the kitchen Christmas Eve starting my hours of baking and cooking. I was by myself, had some music on, and my thoughts just went where they wanted. It hit me then how odd my family is. I am the youngest at 24, my brother the oldest at 27 (28 on the 28th!) and Erica somewhere in the middle. Only my brother came from another life to be back home. I haven’t seem him since my birthday (September) I realized not long ago. His life is just school right now, but he has his own place and isn’t running back home so often. My sister and I, well, we both live at home (but hey! only three days a week for me!). It doesn’t seem normal.
I had tried to going off and living on my own and I pretended I liked it and could do it. I couldn’t have been more realized when my dad told me I had to move back home. It is so safe at home, so easy to be in this same life. Yet it is time to stop and look at “this life.” While I love my family dearly and appreciated everything from and about them, it’s a sheltered life. I did okay for a good part of my life, I had a handful of friends I could call up and hang out with. When I got sick at 17, it all went away. Some stayed, and I am more than grateful for that. But of those, I only really talk to one of them, for no fault but my own. I want to build back those relationships, if I can. I did some decent damage to one.
I’ve lived in the Bay Area my whole life, and have not had many travels outside of it. I thought here could give me all I wanted, but I having looked back on 24 years, 3 months, and [almost] 13 days, it can’t give me what I want. When I bring this up in therapy (still a much needed part of my life) I am always told I need to get out there and do, life wont just happen for me. While, I’ve tried all the ways I can and still nothing. I think it is time to go.
2010 will bring me some travels. I have said this for a while, but I think it is time to do it for real, I cannot be scared anymore. It is what I need and have to do, and so be it that I have to do it alone. I’ve been so afraid to do it because it is out of the realm of my bubble world, and I’ve always been afraid to tell my parents I’m going to take a trip. I let them know of Chicago today, and they took it rather well I think. They don’t know it will most likely be a solo trip, but there’s still hope for me to get a friend by February. Seattle will be in April. Unplanned is New York (for Thea!!!), San Diego, and possibly Hawaii is I mend that friendship.
I’m also going to explore job options. I am not ready to go back to grad school. It finally hit me tonight. The fact that I cannot settle down to get what I need to together for it just lets me know I am not ready. I’m not mentally ready, and I am not going to push myself like I did before. I don’t have to take the path of Grad School, but that option will still be there for another year or two.
I am going to act like a 24 year old. I am not going to walk through life holding Mom and Dads hands... okay, I still will as I have quite a few issues that just don’t let me live an average life and I need their support. But, I am not going to let them tuck me in at night (only speaking figuratively as I go to bed by myself). I want to get a taste of the world.
Getting sick at 17 took a big swing at my life and knocked it all out of place. Instead of going about life like my peers, I spent my days at hospitals talking about deep issues and facing aspects of life that scared me senseless. I went from 17 to 27 and just kept going as I tried to repair my life. I went through college like an old married couple only I didn’t have a husband. No wild parties, no late nights with friends, no movie marathons. Just Sailer and myself mostly, Liz on the occasional weekend, Thea and a few others at school. Thea was someone who helped me stick it through college, though I never let her know. Her and a few professors. I had wanted to give up, but giving up is not an option in life.
After graduation I realized my life was nothing like I had thought it would be. It was the complete opposite. I didn’t feel 22, I didn’t feel like I was finished with college, I didn’t feel ready to go into the real world. I felt like I was 17. Having been knocked out of place at 17, I didn’t transition in a typical way. I skipped ahead and took care of my serious life. Now I just want to have fun. I want to go out and take long runs, ride my bike everywhere, go on picture taking trips, write my heart out all day. I am at the stage where I am ready to explore what the world has for me, and I need to do it beyond my bubble of the Bay Area. My dad always tells me that we are late bloomers (my brother found his life at 26/27), and I see it true for them. I not only bloom late, I bloom out of order.
to be addressed:
-albums of 2010
-the "Alex Guitar"
-more on travels?
-get my med story out of my head
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