living

the mum of "my" boys said something that really hit home to me: "most of life is just hanging on." lately i have been dealing with a lot of life and trying to finally figure out who i am. when she said that, it made me realize that for the past seven years i have just been hanging on. i did what i thought people do in life, without really considering me. i was so lost and unsure of myself and what to do. life had turned out not to be what i dreamed about as a youngster. i have been living in a fog, on the outskirts of life, squinting to try and make it all out. i pushed myself through school and focused so hard on doing the work and doing well, that the fun in life slipped away. now that i am finally getting a grip back on life, it is hard to stop myself. i want to just go out and finally enjoy what i can. i know i'm not quite ready, but i am getting there. i cant wait to be there, as i think part of getting there is in starting to enjoy what is around me. this feeling is just but a small part of me, lost in swirl of criticism, anxieties, and obsessions, but it has made it's place in me that has put light back into me.

i was talking to my good friend thea today. it is always nice to talk to her as our struggles are much the same. we got to talking about the difficulty in moving on, and she brought up the issue of having to make decisions. i used to have a hard time making decisions for myself and always doubted what i chose. it was just easier to just let other people make the decisions! however, this left me just waiting to be told what to do and not always getting what i wanted. it was towards the end of december, when my brain was wild with thoughts, that it hit that it was okay for me to decide what to do. this is my life, and i need to lead it. the whole world opened up to me then as i realized i could do what i wanted. i didn't need to wait for someone to invite me on a trip - i just had to plan it for myself. i don't have to rush into grad school just because i feel pressured to not take too long off - i need to actually be ready and committed to it. i could move and see the world, open myself up to other people. i am so burned out and tired of most of the people from here. i need a new place, a different environment with different people, to stimulate myself back into life. iit is all my decision to make.