regret

(thoughts complete for the most part)

This morning (Saturday) I found out a friend of mine died yesterday (Friday). We had met through a mental health support site, and I had always wanted to start talking with her yet was always too shy. It wasn't until I offered to send her some Torani sugar-free vanilla syrup did our friendship start. She has a precious sou, and was always so kind and supportive. She had been trying hard to improve on her ED, yet it had such a hold on her and in the end became too much for her fragile body to handle.
i hadn't talked to her for a few months. i thought about her a lot and hoped she was finding the strength to get through everyday. as my head was beginning to clear and i realized having relationships were important to me, i intended to contact her again, among some others. well, i hadn't (nor the others /: ). it's too late now, and it sucks. i have quite the problem with forgetting to do things and having them put off, yet never has the consequence hit me so hard. i am saddened that i was unable to reconnect with such a lovely soul. Ka was in a place where her life to her seemed like it would always be ED. I wish I had had the chance to let her know how I am doing better, how my head has cleared up and has space to handle a life, though still alongside the Critic. For so long I had barely a hope for a life, as it seemed too daunting to keep up. I went through college not really knowing what I wanted to do, and graduated without the passion to go on. i just kind of... went along. though that time sucked, im glad i made it through and am now living with the perspective on life that i have now. i know i can go on as i know what i want. i wish i were able to tell ka all that, and that i hope she kept pushing on because this chance may come for her too, no matter how unrealistic it felt. i also wish i could tell that i am glad we became friends, and she how put more joy into my life. i wish, though i can't.

i have a bit of trouble with holding on to missed opportunities, and what didn't go right in my life and wishing i had done it differently. so many times do i replay certain times just so i can do it differently. I don't do things because I am afraid I wont be able to do it right. It does no good.

As I've said before, I cannot wait for life to happen anymore. I cannot be scared of what will come of me living life. If I keep putting something off, it may become too late. It is one thing to have the good plan, a good intention, but it's a whole other to actually carry it out. As I often say to Evan, it's not enough to know something, you have to act on your knowledge.

The passing of Ka is also a slap in my face about how consuming this disease is. I had known before that it is possible to die from the ED, though I never had known someone to. Now that possibility is so real. All I can think now is how much I need to push myself in life to get past all my anxieties. Sadly, the critic in my head is still loud about my body and I'm not sure he will stop. My mum and I had a bit of a talk about it, and I let her know how comforting he is, how he has turned into a friend. She said why keep such a nasty friend around? Well, he isn't always so destructive, yet when he is, he truly is. In life when people are saying things that are not beneficial to my well-being, I tune them out. I cannot tune my critic out. No matter how much I am determined to try and live a life like I always thought I'd have, my Critic is still there, and will not leave my body alone!