It's become clear to me

I am living yet another Saturday evening alone, feeling let down and wronged. This feeling first came about last Friday, and lasted through the weekend. I have a yearning to be out and having a good time with friends, friends that I don't have yet will make. Before, the idea had sounded nice but couldn't really put myself in that position; now, I see myself fitting in fine, despite a bit awkwardly. It is what I am ready to do, and it has become clear to me, in mind and heart, that it is what I need to do at this point in my life. I will not achieve what I want by being so alone. I no longer want this life. The only hurdle, which happens to be a huge ass hurdle, is I have to quit my current job. I have been agonizing over this decision, yet it always feels right to conclude that it needs to be done. I just am lost as to how to do it. The family means so much to me, the boys and I are so so very close now. I have my own life though, outside of their family, that I have not been able to explore. Before, I was so lost and uncertain and having them as solid ground was wonderful from me, and I have grown so much more as a person these past three years with them. I have had to face so many of my phobias with no option to get out; I can talk to people when needed, request help and clarification, I can eat out at a restaurant surrounded by chaos. This job is not so easy to leave as in handing in a letter of resignation; I must talk to the parents, a skill I have not acquired.

I brought this dilemma up during therapy on Friday, and my doc asked why I have made this decision, my reason I want the parents to understand: it is that I am ready to move on, that I realized while on my travels that I want to be with people my age. It is nothing against the family, it is simply what I need in my life.

My life has been put on pause for the past seven years. Each day was a scheduled struggle, knowing what to expect and not doing what needs to be done. I was always a few steps short of living in the real world. I did do what I thought was needed, go to school and such, but I didn't get out of it what I thought I would. I just wasn't fully there, I was only doing what needed to be done.

As I embark on being halfway through my 24th year, I can finally feel it in all parts of my body that I want to be alive. I go out into the world hoping that someone will start talking to me, or I will see an opportunity to say something to them. I have heard before from the few friends I have made that they were always so hesitant to come talk to me because I look so closed off. I am sure I still look this way, as I still do struggle to go out and be among people; I am not sure how to change this part of me.

I've got a big week ahead of me, one that will push me far beyond my comfort zone and have to face the parents straight up and let them know just what is going through my mind, going on in my life.

I cannot wait until next weekend.