im not sure?

i heard something helpful this morning, that just hit me tonight, at 7.57 pm. this morning i had therapy, and, of course, we were talking. we were talking about sleep, as my sleep is not good - i cannot stay asleep and when i awake i do not always do the best of things. so my dr was talking about others who have trouble at night with bad behaviors don't take the time for self care. I brought up how i did do self care in the evening, that i had a routine. but, oh, i realized, this was a routine i had to do and if i didn't do it correctly, that the night would be horrible, terrible, and so i had to restart and do it properly. it had started with good intentions though, i made the point.
then she said, I'm sure it did, you just have a predisposition to becomes obsessive about some things (paraphrased there for sure). that's the kicker, that is what just become so helpful to me in my mind. i have an organized mess on my floor right now, as i decided i neededd to reorganize the two baskets of the bottom of my cubby unit. i was putting some medicine into my "treasure" chest and I heard my sister leave her room, and it hit and i felt a wave of okay-ness sweep over me. my sister is important here because i need to go have a talk to her about something else that came up in therapy. about going out to dinner and not ordering simple food, having to order something that involves cooking and to see if she'd be willing to do it with me so when the day comes that i am at a place with a lovely somebody and there is no simple food, i can order something and be okay and have an enjoyable evening.
i'm not sure why now the statement my dr made this morning became so helpful, so important. i was hoping i could capture that okay-ness and be able to hold onto it. but it is gone.




i am in the process of applying to grad school. i'm really starting to freak out, for a multitude of reasons; i haven't signed up for my second exam, i haven't contacted the third professor for my recommendations nor do i have his contact information, i have barely started my personal statements, i keep forgetting to get transcripts from DVC, i have barely started the applications, more i am sure. mostly i am freaking out that i wont be able to make it through. i get this realization while i am going about my day and stumble upon some "quirk of mine" (it's actually a psychological disadvantage of mine), like when i'm running and one shoe heel grazes my ankle and i have to make the other heel graze the other ankle, or how if i have an itch on one side and scratch it, i have to scratch the other side, or how i cannot keep up with bills i have to pay or updating my medical coverage, or keeping track of my purchases and how much money i have - i just freely spend. how am i do excel in graduate school? i didn't do as well as i could have my senior year of college because my life was beginning to unravel yet i chose to ignore all the signs and keep pushing myself just so i could finish. looking back, i wish i would have taken medical leave and get things in order instead of burying myself further. if one year away at school (my first two were taken easy at home), how do i expect to do more in a school further away for all three-four years, more for my doctorate?! i wish my clarity i had the day i decided to go for grad school finally could come back so i could just get done what needs to be done and try it out!




hmm.