Sometimes I find myself just looking in the mirror. I'm never sure why as it is not done with any intention. The past week, being home with my mum, I would imagine her walking by and catching me doing that. She would then tell me "I hope you are saying good things to yourself," to which I would have to respond "sadly, I'm not." Thinking and imagining this would make me terribly sad - and guilty. I don't think when my parents decided to have a kid I would turn out, someone who is so down on themselves all the time. At least they got it right with the first two. I'm sure all a parent wants is for their kids to be happy and content with themselves. Yet here I am - barely able to cope through a full day. I just have such disatisfaction with myself and life as a whole, and it makes me feel so guilty as I'm sure my pain just breaks my parents hearts. I love my parents/family so so much, and that's why I'm still here. But just... it's me, I can't stand myself.
Being around my mum for the week made me realize this newfound feeling of guilt. I am used to my pain, but I don't want them to have pain. I enjoyed so much being home with my mum though, still at 23 I crave the comfort and nurturing of my parents. I just wish - I was more of a prize for them, instead of just barely making it.
Of course you are a prize for them - you let your feelings of disappointment in yourself air on how you feel you parents think about you. That's not the case. Of course they will be sad that you feel so horrible about yourself, and they know you're suffering, but at the same time they'll be happy that you're you - you're a daughter they'll be very proud of!
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't be used to your pain, or resigned to feeling its part of you and working round it. You are worth more than that Lindsay....
xxxxx