on the afternoon of Friday...

I'm always trying to make something in my life just right. I always seem to come up with a problem and spend hours planning up the solution in my head. I just think "when I finally get it solved, I will be okay." I just want my life to be okay again, so if I can focus in on one problem at a time and give it a solution, then... If only. 

My family is going up to Lake Tahoe next weekend. Well, the family is my mum, dad, and sister for the moment. I am wanting to go, and my brother - who knows (to quote my father). My immediate answer was "no!" when I say on the fridge white board "Tahoe - next weekend." Then I thought about it - well, maybe. Then my dad gets home and brings it up and I think "well, it sounds nice." Then I decided it might be nice, so hoping on if I leave on Thursday night from work I will go. But first I need to make sure the kitties are taken care of! I might have to stay for them. 

I have been up to Tahoe with my folks a bit ago, stayed at Squaw. It was lovely, and beautiful - and I enjoyed being there and myself. Currently, I don't enjoy being anywhere and certainly not myself. So I am torn - am I not really in a good spot to go up? Will it be helpful to bring up joyous memories, or will that just add to my misery? I really don't know which way rope will swing until I'm there. Sometimes remembering how content I was drives me to get better, other times it just adds to the depression I feel. Right this moment, my gut feels like it would be nice to go up and try a smile, chill with my sister and go for a nice hike. But I will just be so aware of how I am, and distressed over cordinating my life with other people who I haven't been with for a while in a very unfamilar place. 

It would be nice to be a person, who at the drop of a hat, can say yes and be excited and get on with their life. Instead, I have to agonize over the decision for a couple hours, and if the decision is yes to going somewhere. I am in a state of panic until I go. Yes, it would be nice to be another way, but I wouldn't be me. And while I have plenty of problems over being me, it's the only person I know how to be. I do always try to fix and improve on myself, but never in a way to actually change me. I just want to fine tune the bits of me that are good, that are a strength (or so what I see as good, as a strength). I need to learn to just be me, I wish I can and I'm sure I will be one day as that is what I'm driven towards doing. Finding a problem and making the solution everyday. I'm getitng kind of tired of doing it and not having a result, but that glimmer of hope inside is still glowing, and it keeps me going.