WED: had drs. appt in the morning. was supposed to be weighed but when it came down to it i said no, starting crying and kept on saying no. dr got concerned, rub my arm and said that k (my therapist) had told her id say no and start to cry. heh. i said next time i would. i kind of have to.
got the coffee and made it to soccer and back in good condition.
then -
had a bad panic attack that night. in the bathroom. the boys were the ones who found me, stood for a moment, e asked if i was okay. shook my head no and said i couldnt breathe. went for mum. she helped, gave me some steroid inhaler and some benadryl and let me relax. made me some tea and i made it to my bed, took a bit. my limbs were numb. called my mum and talked to her for a good bit.
it sucked. i hadnt had one so bad in a while, ive certainly had some. but this was badbad. and i hated that it was at work. but it was taken care of.
i had hoped for a better day but...
THURS
just in tears all day, dont know why no real reason. i just was. id be okay for a moment then bam tears came. but i was able to do what i needed to at least, got the kids to and from school, fed, cleaned the floors, did a run, showered, made dinner. but i was an absolute mess. so the mum came home and asked how i was and i just shook my head and welled up with tears. tried to hold it together, we talked for a bit. i got to go home.
FRI
slept in. my mum called just as i was waking up, she had left something at home and needed me to bring it for her. well, it was optional. but i did. so i hung there for a bit. did nothing much else. went on a walk with my dad. felt as though i had wasted a day doing nothing so cleaned house a bit. 9.48 pm and here i am. i am hoping for some sleep tonight.
ill divvy up this post in a bit, in a different post. i just like to get to listing out for the days sometimes. it helps my head, my head needs me to do it.
Oh you sound like you've had such an emotional few days, im hoping that Friday sounds improved and it's the start of getting on track for a calmer weekend, atleast. You sound like you're running through your everyday 'chores' (for want of a better word) with military precision, not really giving too much regard for how you're actually feeling. That can be a good thing, and sometimes not. I hope you're finding a fine line between distraction and dealing, my mind tells me the things that are making you so emotional won't just disappear the more floors you clean or windows you wash... xxxxxxxx
ReplyDeletei think what happens is that i try to keep it together so much while at work, which is five days, that it just gets super built up as i dont always let myself let it out over the weekends and instead build it up more. my thoughts just turn and turn and turn over everything and along the way everything amplifies and becomes worse. add on to that being put on a new med and lack of sleep, and i break down.
ReplyDeleteive been having the problems lately of being overworked at work as they keep adding on tasks for me to do that i no longer had a few hours to myself to do something for me, such as go for a run/walk/hike. i need to just do what i can for them, but obviously need to make it a priority for me to get out for some exercise in the morning unless i want to completely break down and not have a job anymore!