i never keep the "come back" promise

i was looking through some photos and sadness started to overwhelm me, mostly so when looking through the Europe trip pictures. Just seeing the reminders of that trip, the fact that I was actually there - those were the good memories. I was actually able to fulfill a dream of mine, and conquer a good couple fears along the way. The sadness comes in due to the fact that I couldn't fully enjoy myself there as I was (still am) beyond disgusted with the state my body is in. I try so hard to just be okay in the world as I am, and enjoy such experiences as being over seas and going to shows, being out with friends. But I am always ever so aware of how my body is at the moment. what gets me the most flustered is that despite my efforts, nothing with it has changed in the past year. It's as if my body is just laughings it's ass off at me as it refuses to make peace, just so to get back at me for all those years it was badly hurting. Well, I think it's time for a compromise. Body, listen here, I know going back so low is not realistic nor an option, but where I am at now is not an option either and not realistic for me to keep on living. So if you want to keep going in this world, you and me need to make a compromise as to how we will work. I am willing to live not so low, don't worry, but you need to budge or else it will be the end of us! I want to be able to go on, go back to Europe, have friends and have fun. I want to be around for Sailer, and I don't want to rip apart my mum and dad by not being around. I am okay with life, it doesn't make since 96% of the time, but I am okay trudging on. I just need to be able to feel comfortable. We'll make a plan, a healthy plan.